Cheer & Bless

Plan for Happiness

2012-02-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

from Mosiah 4:11-12

The Do (Requirements)

Remember the greatness of God
Seek humility
Pray daily
Stand steadfast in the faith

The Be (Blessings)

Always rejoicing (happy)
Filled with the love of God (fulfilled)
Retaining a remission of sin (at peace with self)
Growing in the knowledge of God (wise)

The requirements seem simple, but it is often the simple tasks that get pushed aside or overlooked for the more urgent, though less important things in life.

How does one make the simple, important tasks a priority?

Lights Out

2011-04-13T11:26:00.000-04:00

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go
Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go
I hate to leave you, but I really must say
Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight

This is my last post for Cheer & Bless. I'm shutting the doors officially today. This blog has been so good for me. Being able to explore my feelings about the gospel and how they relate to my life experiences. Meeting so many wonderful people and being fed by your insight and encouragement. Thank you for following and commenting here. I love you and appreciate every step we have taken together.

What led me to this decision? Elder Uchtdorf's "Of Things That Matter Most." He said in his conference 2010 talk, "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most." He goes on to say, "There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions."

Simplicity. That is what I need right now. In struggling to make EVERYTHING work I've discovered that almost nothing is working. I know in each of our lives we have many, many responsibilities. I know we all struggle, wondering if what we are giving is enough. I once had the opportunity to read a letter from a Relief Society sister to Sister Hughes (former RS general presidency). In the letter the sister expressed her feelings of failure in regards to working, being a mom and serving in the church. "We're told to give 100%," she said. "How can I do that when my time is divided by work, home and church? How can I give 100%?" Sister Hughes gave her the most beautiful response I've ever heard. She said, "You give a 100% of that 33%. That is enough." (paraphrasing).

Her words have encouraged me over the years. Every time I feel like I'm not doing enough or giving enough, I try to step back and ask myself, "Am I giving the 100% of the 25 or 33% I have available?" If so, then I am doing enough.

Right now I'm finding that I'm not giving 100% of what I could be giving. I've been spread too thin. I'm too occupied with extra things that I'm not covering the basics. So, back to the basics. Back to giving 100% to the "four key relationships: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves."

I hope this rambling made sense. And I hope you've gotten as much out of Cheer & Bless as I have.

Let me close with my simple testimony of Jesus Christ and His Atonement. It has never been a matter of "did it happen?" Yes. It did happen. Christ lived and walked on this Earth. He knelt in the Garden, assumed all the sin and sorrow of mankind, and took that with him to the cross where he was crucified on my behalf that he might conquer death. And he rose three days later, have broken those bonds that I might live again as well. That happened. The question for me has been, "Can it really work for me? Can the Atonement really take MY sin and MY sorrow?" I testify that it can. I'm still learning the hows, but I bear testimony that our Savior can and will make our burdens light and heal our broken hearts. I testify that he is able and WILLING to do this for each of us individually.

Callister says in his book, The Infinite Atonement, that Christ's Atonement was an individual, not a mass atonement. When I read his words I thought of a mass grave. I saw bodies upon bodies stacked inside. Countless, nameless faces representing the sin and sorrow of the world. This is NOT the atonement. Then I saw a graveyard with never ending tombstones in all directions. I stood at one stone that had my name, Deborah Burns, and my date of birth. By my side stood the Savior, an arm around my shoulder. In the ground were my sins, sorrows, trials and pain. Everything I had experienced and would experience. They were named and known. We grieved together at this grave site, both us knowing personally how each of those experiences felt, how each of them changed me.

He did not suffer for us as group or people. He suffered for us individually. Grave site by grave site. Tomb by tomb. He knows us "as though we are his only creation." This is my testimony, that the Lord loves us. That He knows us. And that He grieves as we grieve, weeps as we weep, and intimately understands both the pain and joy we experience in this life.

He loves you. I love you. Thank you for traveling this road with me.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The Second Article of Faith & Me

2011-04-06T13:37:00.000-04:00

We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.

I've been thinking a lot about this article of faith recently. A lot about what it means for my past and what it means for my future. I've been stressing over my career as a writer. Not only about the things I write but the kind of life I live and have lived. What if I actually make it? What if my books are published for the world to see? What then? And what if some reader learns more about my life than I'd like them too and then uses me as the reason for their negative choices? I know. Out of control. But that is how my hyperbolic brain works.

Enter the second Article of Faith. As I've pondered over these words two intertwining thoughts came to mind that I'd like to share.

1. I will be punished for my sins and my sins only.
Sometime between the day I was born and today I made a really grevious, horribly awful mistake. The "what" doesn't really matter because what is really grevious, horrible and awful will vary from person to person. I once had a friend who felt guilty for eating a plate full of brownies to spite her mother. Honest to grandma, the worst thing she'd ever done. In her mind that was grevious, horrible and awful. And I know others on the opposite side of the spectrum. Others whose idea of grevious, horrible and awful equates to murder and everything else is just regular sin. But getting to the point, I had a friend who, knowing of my mistake, made the same choice because, "Hey look, Deb did it. That must mean it's okay."

I carried the guilt of my choice for a short time while I figured out repentance and coming unto Christ. But the guilt of her choice I've carried for much longer. If I had been different, would she have made a different choice? If I had been stronger, would she have been saved from traveling the same painful road of repentance? Could the Atonement wash me clean of not just my sins, but hers?

Through my recent study of this article of faith I realized, finally, that though the Atonement could wash me clean of her choice, it didn't need to. I am to be punished for my sins only, not for Adam's transgression, not for friend B, and not for random stranger X. I am not accountable for the choices made by another child of God who is old enough to know better. They will answer for their own choices just as I will answer for mine. (Now, as in all things, I know there are exceptions. Want to know them? Ask the Lord.)

Which leads me to...

2. I cannot use others' choices to rationalize my own.
Nor can others use my choices to rationalize theirs. If an apostle chose tomorrow to marry 5 more wives or add a glass of wine to dinner that would NOT make it okay. It would NOT mean we have the right to add wives or wine to the dinner table. Nope! We are still accountable for our own choices, regardless of what any leader or member within the church chooses to say or do.

Most recently a member, tired of "trying" to do things the Lord's way, chose to live in opposition to His commandments. The reason? A random (former) bishop from some unknown ward stated the Church should change their opinion on this particular matter. So my friend jumped on board. If a bishop thinks the Church is wrong on this point, then it must be okay. No. It's not okay. The former bishop will be accountable for his choices. This friend will be accountable for theirs. And I will be accountable for mine.

The Lord sets a standard. He has taught me right and wrong and even the shades of grey in between. He has given me the Holy Ghost to be able to discern between the choices presented to me. On some issues he will NOT waver--like chastity. On some issues we work together on what is right for my family--like working outside the home or whether or not we should pursue adoption at this time in our lives. But no matter what I choose, I will be responsible.

It kind of reminds me of being a little kid when Mom used to say, "If he jumps off a bridge, would you do it?" Just becuase Sister Awesome jumps off the bridge of morality, doesn't make it right for me to jump too.

Men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam's transgression. I will be held accountable for my own choices, not the choices of others. I am free to let go of the burden that has haunted me for years. Free to let go of the fear of what may be coming in my future. Because the only person I can control is me. I can only keep trying to be the best Debbie I can be and allow others the opportunity to do the same.

It seemed like such a simple Article of Faith, but it has brought me the solace for which I've been searching most of my life.

How about you? What does the second Article of Faith mean to you?

3 Ways to Stand by Our Men

2011-03-30T15:10:00.002-04:00

Q: How many Elders Quorum members are needed to throw a ward party?
A: Zero! The Relief Society will do it for them!

Funny? Okay. Maybe not quite. But too many members have that attitude. I've seen/overheard conversations between the RS and the Elders/High Priest Quorum. I've been in meetings between the YW and YM leaders. I've even heard youth discuss the same idea.

If you want it done right, get the women to do it.

I once heard a young man opt for a lesser assignment because, in his words, he'll probably mess it up anyway. How sad is that! We joke about training men/husbands, we joke about the priesthood not being able to keep up with the women, but do we see that trickle down to our youth? Do we see our girls getting the message that you just can't expect much from boys and boys hearing that they shouldn't expect much from themselves?

It's happening. All over. And it's sad. So what can we do to change the tide? How can we better stand by our men (young and old), even when they might stumble?

1. Express gratitude for what they DO do!
I never thought of saying thank you to my husband for serving our family by going to work. That's what he's "supposed" to do, right? Sheesh, that would be like saying he should never thank me for cleaning a toilet because that's what I'm supposed to do. Sexist, isn't it. It wasn't until an FHE where one of my friends indicated that we need to acknowledge the service that goes on in our own families, like thanking spouses who work, or clean, or cook, or raise children, etc. So thank you, DH, for going to work every day. For bringing home the bacon that lets me pursue my writing career and that provides for our little family. Thank you for helping me with dishes and garbage and dogs. You rock! And I appreciate all that you do to serve our family.

2. Allow them opportunities without planning their failure.
Sometimes I don't like giving Joe a task when I "know" he isn't going to get it done. Like grocery shopping while I'm out of town. I have a tendancy to prep for vacations all on my own and then get mad at him later for not helping. Or, if I do give in a task, it's usually with some snippy remark about how he didn't do it like I wanted last time. In a church setting it's usually something like, "Priests will bring the pizza dough. Do you need the Laurels to call and remind you so you don't forget. We can't make pizza without dough." Then, later, the girls plan on bringing extra dough "just in case." In both situations we need to learn to let our men rise to the challenge without planning their failure.

But what happens if they DON'T bring the dough? Well, then you alter the activity at the time. Or you send them to the store for English muffins. You let them be accountable while also encouraging them for next time. Be patient and understanding.

3. Speak highly of them to them and others.
Even if we may not believe it at the time. Our priesthood holders of all ages need to know we support them and we trust them. If there is something specific that is of concern, we can address it directly to them. Otherwise, we shouldn't seek opportunities to put them down. I think of my friend with six wonderful boys. I'm not super concerned because they have amazing parents who honor and support eachother and who praise their children every chance they get. But I would hate for any one of them to grow up thinking they can't succeed because of the way adults joke about RS vs. Priesthood or YW vs. YM. Our husbands our human like us, and like us, they make mistakes or have weaknesses. They need to know we're not going to lynch them when they forget to stop at the store for milk. And our young men need to know that they are capable, amazing sons of God who really can accomplish anything they set their minds to, whether that is planning an activity, throwing a ward party, or pursuing whatever dream they have.

Those are just some of my thoughts. How do you help your husband/son/other men feel good about themselves? How do you reinforce that the sexes are equal? Do you believe that men and women who work together are stronger than those who work in opposition? Or are women really just "better at it"... whatever "it" may be?

Puzzles

2011-02-07T15:09:00.001-05:00

I've been working on a puzzle recently. It's what I do when life feels out of control. I can work at a puzzle. There are only so many pieces. I have the picture for directions. And when I get tired of it, I can put it away and work at it again tomorrow. No pressure. No deadlines. I like puzzles.

But today this one showed me something besides the picture on the lid of the box. This is just a stream of consciousness. Take what you want... make what connections you will... and leave the rest.

Puzzles are a work in progress. You transform seemingly random pieces into a beautiful picture over time. I work on mine a little each day. Sometimes areas come together quickly, like Alice's hair. There are only so many yellow pieces in the box. Other areas may take longer, like the Mad Hatter's coat. It is so similar in color to the March Hare I often mixed up which piece should go where. But, as I've kept working at it, the two have eventually taken shape.

Individual pieces of a puzzle can be misleading or leave us stumped. Like I said... Mad Hatter vs. March Hare. Then there are all the white, whitish blue, light blue pieces that were needed in Alice's dress, the Mad Hatter's and March Hare's clothing and the table setting. It took lots of careful study and trying and failing to find where certain pieces where supposed to go. Sometimes I was looking at the pieces upside down or sideways.

Pieces without the context of the bigger picture are meaningless. Even when I had two or more pieces together, I still couldn't tell what I was looking at until I got it into the context of the larger picture.

Can you tell what this is?

Or this?

It's the handle of a spoon.

It's the bottom edge of a tea cup!

Context can make all the difference. Without understanding the bigger picture, sometimes the little pieces won't make sense. And even then, sometimes we still won't get it until the piece is finally placed where it belongs.

Sometimes we'll have missing pieces for awhile. We can have every piece around it in place and still come up empty. A hole in our picture. We'll wonder why we can't find it. We'll double and triple check everything and still won't have what we need to fill in the missing piece. Because sometimes we just can't see it yet. We get lost in all the other pieces on the table.

Sometimes it may not even be there to find. I separated my colors for this puzzle and put them all in separate bags. Somehow in the sorting process I put a piece of the March Hare's coat into the "red" bag of Alice's chair. I couldn't find the piece until I opened that bag.

We may need to jump around during the puzzle process.

Sometimes we can only focus on the easy stuff. Like the blue in Alice's dress or the bright green in the Hatter's hat. We may jump from one to the other and back again as we become frustrated or loose our way in the pieces. But if we keep working at it--keep turning the pieces, keep looking at all the angles, keep trying to make it fit, failing and then trying again in a new place or using a new piece--eventually we'll complete the entire puzzle.

In the hard spots we need to pay attention to the things that matter most. I'm stuck in Alice's chair right now. Lots of dark red. How will I ever put them together? But I found that if I look closely, some of those dark red pieces have black lines running through them. Some have a spot of green or a tiny bit of purple. If I'll slow down and look at the things that matter, I'll see how it comes together instead of getting lost in a sea of red.

All the pieces are needed to create a beautiful picture. No matter how weird, bizarre, or ugly a specific piece may seem, when combined with the rest the result is a masterpiece. Where would the Hatter's coat be without the puke yellow of the shading? Bland. Everything would loose depth without the grays, dark yellows, burnt oranges, and purplish hues to create shadow and interest. Take away anyone piece and the picture wouldn't be whole.

The joy is in the process, as frustrating as it can be sometimes. If I just wanted the picture, I could have bought it. But there is something about the process of putting together a puzzle that makes me happy--the joy I feel when I finally finish a section or find the missing piece or overcome a challenge. The process helps us to better appreciate and love the outcome.

I am grateful to the painter and the puzzle maker who created this. For their talent and for laying the foundation for this puzzle. The painter--for his expert use of color... for teaching me that shadows aren't black or gray, but are shades of blue and purple. The puzzle maker--for creating a pattern in the pieces that would help me create the whole... no two pieces fit together perfectly unless they are meant to.

I could force it, but if I'm patient and follow the clues of color and shape given to me, the puzzle will turn out as the creator meant it to be... a masterpiece.

Funny what one can learn from a simple child's puzzle. I like puzzles.

FAITH * HOPE * CHARITY

2011-02-01T11:47:00.003-05:00

"Wherefore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope; and if there must be hope there must also be charity" (Moroni 10:20).

I've been studying the Atonement every FHE night since November. I've been seeking for answers to trials and hardships that we are currently facing. I've been begging for peace and comfort and strength to push forward. And the more I studied it seemed the more I doubted. "All this is fine... but HOW do I apply the miracle of the Atonement to my life? HOW do I make it stop hurting so badly?"

Last night I went into FHE thinking, "I don't even know if the gospel is true anymore. I can't feel it. I can't feel anything. Some days I don't even care if I believe." I shared this with my husband as I always do. He held my hand and said, "I understand." Then he expressed love for me. I appreciate him so much!

After dinner dishes and dessert had been cleared, I pulled out The Infinite Atonement and my scriptures, ready for another discussion with my bishop and another couple with whom we share FHE.

Bishop looked at me and said, "Do you mind if we study something different tonight. I've been thinking a lot about something since sacrament meeting yesterday." Of course everyone agreed. What did it matter? I wasn't "getting" the application of the atonement anyway. So he shared his recent studies in Enos and Alma 32.

"What do these talk about?" he asked.

"Faith," I replied. Interesting.

Our discussion took us many places. We talked about hungering to know the truth. We talked about holding onto those around us when we cannot feel for ourselves. We talked about faith making us whole and the mercy of God and the love he has for his children... all things I've been studying personally at home... all questions I've been asking in my heart. Then we got to Alma 32 which talks about experimenting upon the word. And there it was... desire. The first step in gaining faith, in building your testimony. Having a desire is enough to start with.

"But," I said, "what happens when you no longer have that desire? What happens when you've been starved for so long you aren't hungry anymore?" If you've ever gone without food for an extended period of time, you'll know what I mean. There comes a point when the aching for food just goes away. So it is with a desire to believe.

That's when the conversation turned to HOPE. Joe shared Moroni 10:20. He pointed out that faith, hope and charity are consistently seen together in the scriptures. Moroni explains it and back in Enos we see it. Enos had HOPE that Christ could heal him so he prayed. After he received his witness he turned his heart toward his brethren in CHARITY, praying on their behalf. After the experience it indicates that "my FAITH began to be unshaken in the Lord" (Enos 1:11). He began with a desire that blossomed into unshakeable faith.

The three are like a circle, consistently building and feeding the next. But remove even ONE of those, and the others will dwindle and die.

I lost hope. It was the first to die (followed by my faith and charity towards self). I lost my ability to see the future and see good things waiting for me. No. My future looked dark and ugly and contained more horribleness.

So what's the point? I thought. What's the point in believing in a Savior who can heal me when I have no hope that he will? What's the point in living the gospel when I have no hope that I will be a part of the Celestial Kingdom. I'd learned to settle for Telestial.

No hope.

There was my problem. And my solution. I CAN'T have faith without hope. That is me. Others need the faith first in order to achieve the hope. Some need the love. The spark... the inciting incident... changes for each of us. But we all need faith, hope and charity to continue nourishing the tree "that it may take root in you" (Alma 32:42).

So last night I created what I'm calling my "HOPE Vision." These are the things I will HOPE for in my future. These are the desires that will replace the dark future I see in my head. These are the hopes that I will cling to so my faith has purpose. So the Atonement has purpose.

So if you're struggling... if your testimony is faltering and you can't understand why, I encourage you to look at faith, hope and charity separately. Is one (or more) of them dead or wounded? Take care of that piece, work to make that one stronger. As you and I do this, we'll receive the promises made by Alma in 32:42-43. ...At least I HOPE we will.

"And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you" (emphasis added).

Hit & Miss

2010-12-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

I will be posting sporadically for awhile. I've entered another rocky recovery period of my life which leaves me... what's the right word?... maybe tired? In essence my energies are spent in processing stuff and leaving me empty for writing. So posts will be hit and miss. If you haven't already, I'd encourage you to follow the blog or subscribe to feeds so you don't have to keep jumping over here to see if new stuff has been posted.

Thank you to everyone who reads Cheer and Bless and a special thank you to those who comment--sharing your love and support. I love you!

~Deb

He will comfort all her waste places

2010-12-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

I'm going abstract today, so I hope this makes sense to more than just myself. My scripture studies this morning took me to 2 Nephi 8:3,

"For the Lord shall comfort Zion, he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

I had always seen this as referring to Zion as a whole... to the children of Israel being restored (as it says in the footnotes). But today as I read I felt the Lord speaking to me. I saw new meaning directly applicable to my life.

"For the Lord shall comfort [Me], he will comfort all [my] waste places (all the difficult experiences and memories I am dealing with... the brokenness of my mind); and he will make [my] wilderness like Eden, and [my] desert like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

The Lord is promising me comfort in not just daily living kind of things, but comfort in regards to the dark, horrible experiences lurking in my past. Memories that are bubbling to the surface and breaking open with pain, grief and sadness. These are my "waste places" and my "wilderness" and yet, the Lord is promising that he will make these difficult experiences "like Eden." He will someday transform them, so I can remember without pain. I can sleep without fear. Someday the desert of my mind will become a "garden of the Lord" and "joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody." Fear and grief will be replaced with peace and joy.

The chapter concludes with these verses (24 & 25),

"Awake, awake, put on thy strength, O Zion, put on thy beautiful garments... for henceforth there shall no more come into thee the uncircumcised and the unclean.

"Shake thyself from the dust; arise, sit down O Jeruslem; loose thyself from the bands of they neck, O captive daughter of Zion."

These have very personal meaning for me, so I include them here. I relate to being bound and captive on so many levels. I am a "captive daughter of Zion." But I find hope in his call to action and his promise that "henceforth there shall no more come into thee the... unclean." How will my desert become a garden? By putting on my strength... by turning my heart to Christ and seeking the blessings of the Atonement. There is also a connection between strength and the authority of the priesthood. A reminder that I need to better understand and apply the priesthood power in my life. "Beautiful garments" reminds me to clothe myself in righteousness. And shaking myself from the dust means letting go of the awfulness I call childhood (not forgetting... I don't think that's possible, but being able to remember without emnity). Standing tall as a daughter of God. I can arise. I can overcome. I can be made whole through my Savior, Jesus Christ.

The verses of 2 Nephi 8 have had different meanings for me over the past couple of years. In the margins of my scriptures I have "God's promise to me re: robbery." Now I've written "God's promise to me re: the past." I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who gives me insight as I need it. Who provides a book of scriptures that changes as I change and provides new meaning as I am ready for it.

Mostly I'm grateful for the Atonement of Christ which gives me the power to become the daughter my Heavenly Father knows I can be.

The Infinite Atonement, Chapter 1

2010-11-24T12:49:00.002-05:00

Highlights

"The Atonement is not a doctrine that lends itself to some singular approach... It must be felt, not just "figured"; internalized, not just analyzed" (p.2).
There is a section that spans page 2 and 3 that has the most beautiful description of Christ's moments in the Garden. I'd recommend reading that.
"The Atonement gives purpose and potency to every event in history" (p. 3).
"All other events, doctrines, and principles are subservient to and appendages of that godly act [the Atonement]" (p. 3).
Of Christ's message (meaning the gospel of Jesus Christ), his ministry (teaching and performing miracles), and his mission (the Atonement), only his mission required Christ to come to this earth (pp.5-7). "While others could preach the Savior's message an even perform a ministry of miracles and priesthood ordinances, only he could accomplish that divinely appointed mission, namely the redemption of the world" (p.7).
"The Atonement is not just a prime teaching of the gospel; it is the heart of the gospel. It infuses life into every doctrine, every principle, and every ordinance... We must remember that principles and ordinances [that comprise the plan of salvation] have life and efficacy only because of the Savior's atoning sacrifice" (p.8).
Christianity is meaningless without the Atonement (paraphrased from pp.8-9).
"The Atonement is our singular hope for a meaningful life" (p.9).

My Thoughts
Three things draw me back to chapter one over and over again.

One--that the Atonement is the center piece of our gospel. Without it, the doctrines, principles, covenants and ordinances are without meaning, purpose or power. I hadn't made that connection before, but now see the gospel teachings in a whole new light.

Two--that of all his acts upon this earth--teaching, ministering, performing miracles--only the Atonement required the presence of the Savior on the Earth. He was born for the sole purpose of redeeming mankind from the fall and, through repentance, sin. This chapter abounds with beautiful descriptions and well articulated (and documented) insights to the Atonement of Christ.

Three--Lehi's reference to the Savior and his Atonement as "the good part" (2 Nephi 2:30... refer to the entire chapter). This thought that has given me great comfort. I've often struggled with knowing if I am choosing the good part. Do I fulfill a YW assignment or attend the temple if the two happen to conflict? Do I go to the fireside or watch my friend's children so she and her husband can attend? Do I clean the church or attend a stake function? How do I choose which is "the good part" when all seem necessary? Through Lehi I learned that "the good part" is not cleaning vs. participating, but choosing to come unto Christ, to accept his Atonement in my life, and to strive to be worthy of his sacrifice. Maybe it's just me, but I felt relief. I felt that anything I did to serve in the Kingdom of God was worthy and all part of service to my Savior. It shifted my focus from what I do to who I should be.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I hope as you list all the things you are grateful for--family, friends, comforts, etc--that you will remember to also give thanks for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, for without his redeeming act, all the other blessings in our lives would be null and void... as meaningless as our existence without him.

I am grateful for my Savior, even Jesus Christ, who bled in the Garden, died on the Cross, and then was resurrected from the Tomb that I might have power over death, sin, and the powers of Satan. Thank you, Jesus, for saving one like me.

Skirts vs. Slacks

2010-11-18T15:21:00.001-05:00

I'm not going to bother asking whether or not you think it's right for women to wear slacks to church on Sunday. That would only incite a unending vomit of comments battling against each other for the WWF (We're Wright Females) wrestling belt of (self)righteousness.

Instead, I'd like to know:

Where did the idea originate that "women + skirts = respect". Or, in its opposite form, that "women + slacks = disrespectful, bra-burning, feminist Nazi"?

Why do we hold to the tradition that women should wear skirts--NOT pants--to church or to the temple?

Why is a woman's pants suit not included in that category of "Sunday best"?

Who decides what "Sunday best" equals?

What

Is this all tradition passed down through the generations or is there actual merit (read: meaning) in a woman wearing a skirt to Sunday services?

What do you think?makes a pair of slacks so "taboo" when worn by female legs?

Friday Hymn: Awake, Ye Saints of God, Awake!

2010-11-12T12:47:00.000-05:00

My studies in 2 Nephi 4 led me to Psalms 42 and 43. These three chapters are beautiful and worth the read. The language is stunning and the message of great worth. I'll sum them up with 2 Nephi 4:28 (though I really encourage you to read all three chapters):

"Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more to the enemy of my soul."

So, today, I wanted to share the words from hymn #17, "Awake, Ye Saints of God, Awake!"

Awake, ye saints of God, awake!
Call on the Lord in mighty prayer
That he will Zion's bondage break
And bring to naught the tempter's snare.

Tho Zion's foes have counseled deep,
Although they bind with fetters strong,
The God of Jacob does not sleep;
His vengeance will not slumber long.

With constant faith and fervent prayer,
With deep humility of soul,
With steadfast mind and heart, prepare
To see th'eternal purpose roll

Awake to righteousness; be one,
Or, saith the Lord, "Ye are not mine!"
Yea, like the Father and the Son,
Let all the Saints in union join.

For me this hymn takes on new meaning when I replace "ye saints" with "ye daughter" and "Zion's" with "your" in the first two verses. Try it. Do you hear the Lord calling? Can you feel the message that although you may feel bound by "fetters strong" that God does not sleep. He is aware of us and our needs. It is up to us to awake our souls, to remember Him, and to rejoice that through Christ's Atonement we can be saved, strengthened, and receive His peace.

So, rejoice! Christ has come. He has atoned for our sins. And through Him we can be made whole.

The Importance of Your Posse

2010-11-11T10:29:00.001-05:00

I wrote about this over on my writing blog as pertaining to, well, writing. But today I was reading 2 Nephi 3 and I realized that my life posse is as important (if not more so) than my writing one. In verse 17 Joseph (with the coat of many colors) is prophesying of Moses. It reads,

"The Lord hath said: I will raise up a Moses; and I will give power unto him in a rod; and I will give judgment unto him in writing. Yet I will not loose his tongue, that he shall speak much , for I will not make him mighty in speaking. But I will write unto him my law, by the finger of mine own hand; and I will make a spokesman for him."

Pretty simple, right. The Lord gives us different strengths for His purpose. He also allows us various weaknesses, even His prophets. No one is exempt.

Moses--the prophet who called plagues down on Egypt and parted the Red Sea--was not a great orator. Or even a good one. While having power in the rod and in writing, Moses was not "mighty in speaking." Instead, the Lord made "a spokesman for him."

The Lord will not always grant us the strength we need in every area of our lives. (Moses surely could have used the strength of charismatic and inspirational speaking when dealing with Pharaoh and the children of Israel!) However, if we will pay attention, we'll see that the Lord does provide us resources to make up for our weaknesses... to help "weak things become strong."

In my life that has usually been in the form of valued family and friends--my Life Posse. These people will pick you up when you fall. Carry you when you're too tired to stand. Lend a shoulder when you need to cry. And speak when you do not have words. They become your strength. They become your spokesman.

I have a LOT of weaknesses. Sometimes the Lord strengthens me to handle a challenge on my own, but more often than not, He blesses me with an outside resource to make success possible. Are we watching for these things? Are we paying attention to what the Lord is giving us instead of lamenting the talents or strengths we don't have?

I hope you'll take a good look at your posse this week. Recognize the blessing they are in your life. See them as the gift the Lord has provided when He didn't give you what you thought you needed. He always provides, even if we are too stubborn to see it.

Heart is Heavy, Mind is Full

2010-11-08T12:12:00.004-05:00

Things have been weird for me since Halloween. Previous to the evening of masks and mayhem I felt I'd been making some good progress through my PTSD issues and my ability to feel comfortable at church and in the gospel. But since some triggering (and other bizarre issues), I've lost my connection again. It's frustrating to say the least.

Yesterday was Fast Sunday--a time of personal testimony bearing. Last month I felt the Spirit strongly. Enough so that I actually made the trek to the pulpit and shared what was in my heart. This month I couldn't feel a darn thing. My mind listened to some of the messages others had to share. And many of them related directly to me. But inside I felt dead, disconnected and utterly alone. Instead of feeling the need to approach the pulpit I struggled against the need to run screaming from the room.

What was I doing there? Why do I keep trying to push myself into a religion that seems to kick me out whenever I turn around. Now I'm not talking about people here (though I've had some of those experiences), I'm talking about missing out on what everyone around you seems to be feeling. I'm talking about feeling disconnected from the "party" that everyone else seems to be a part of. Why can't I feel the Spirit too? Why aren't the words of Sister A or Brother B resonating with my heart as well as my mind?

Uhg!

I sound like a broken record, don't I? You're thinking, "Haven't we been down this road before?" To which I'll respond, "Yes! We have." But guess what, I get to travel that road again. Somehow I slipped in climbing this mountain of mine and find myself repeating the same challenging obstacles I've seen before. I thought I had a testimony, but where did it go? And why do these triggers keep severing me from the only Source that makes me feel okay?

I found a [very] little solace in Alma 17:11, which reads, "...yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls." Is it presumptuous to think that maybe that's what the Lord is doing with me? That all this pain is just the molding of me into His instrument? I really hope so. At least that would be a reason for this craziness inside me.

But you don't have to answer that. For once in my life I'm not fishing for reassurance. I'm just thinking "out loud."

As difficult as it seems, hang in there!
Even if you have to do it one minute at a time.

I expressed all of these same concerns to my husband. How do I know the Church is true when I can't feel anything?!? He said, "I know it's true. Can you trust me until you can feel it again?"

So that's what I'm doing. I'm trusting Joe. I guess that's why I'm sharing this today. If you, like me, are having doubts or simply can't feel the Spirit in your life at this moment, please find someone you trust who can feel those things. Allow them to hold you to the Rod while you don't have the strength. Don't give up. Don't walk away. Stay just a little longer. Trust for one more day.

REMINDER: The Infinite Atonement Ch 1

2010-11-08T11:47:00.001-05:00

I mentioned awhile ago that I was going to start a little book club-esque posting regarding The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister. I've only read the foreword and chapter 1, but WOAH!!!! This read is going to be seriously spectacular. I don't want to give anything away yet, just in case some of you are actually going to read along with me, so I'll hold my quotes of awesomeness for tomorrow. This post is just to remind to you read chapter 1. Tomorrow we'll be discussing it.

Friday Hymns: Lead Kindly Light

2010-11-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

This hymn is one of my all-time favorites. I feel like it tells my story. Many times in my life I have looked around me and realized I was lost, encircled in gloom. I've cried out to him from my closets and my heart, "Lead, kindly Light... the night is dark and I am far from home." And even if I didn't realize it right away, He was there for me. Even if I couldn't believe, His power did bless and lead me on. Now I struggle to maintain the faith, trust and humility required to say to the Lord, "Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see--one step's enough for me." It's a battle against myself to allow someone else control over my life. I hope He understands. And, deep down, I am praying that He will "remember not past years."

How do you maintain faith that His light can and will lead you home?

Same Sex (Gender) Attraction in the Church

2010-11-04T12:29:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to approach this topic for a long time, but never felt like I was the right one to do so. I have a lot of questions, like many members do. But how do you ask those without being offensive? How do you talk about something you really know nothing about?

To "question A" I think you ask sincerely, with much prayer.

To "question B" I'd respond "you don't."

So instead of trying to discuss this tender topic myself, I'll point you in another direction for answers. Yesterday I stumbled upon a beautiful blog, (Gay) Mormon Guy. I really do mean beautiful. He talks about the challenges of SSA and reaffirms the beauty of the gospel and the importance of the atonement. He is open and honest. I appreciate his site for its integrity and example that all challenges can be brought before the Lord.

The atonement isn't an "erase-all-pains-or-challenges" magic wand, it is the "setting 'at one' of those who have been estranged, and denotes the reconciliation of man to God" ("Atonement," Bible Dictionary, p.617). Sometimes this reconciliation is a removal of a challenge or trial, but not always. Sometimes the atonement, instead of removing the trial, gives us power and strength beyond our own capacity to be able to endure it well. Either way, we all need the atonement... the opportunity to come unto Christ and be healed.

(Gay) Mormon Guy wrote in a recent post, "Mine is a story of imperfection and failure, sin and suffering, repentance and again seeing the light. I'm just telling my story - and, while I'm an individual son of God, truthfully, I believe that anyone could tell the same story… and does, by simply living according to the light of the gospel, no matter what life brings."

Reminder: You Rock!

2010-11-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

I saw this on Twitter last Saturday (thanks Mark!) and just had to share. I love the beginning lines:

You were up all night with a screaming baby
(or I'd add with a sick husband, crying friend, too-much school work, stress over calling and more)
You run all day at the speed of life
And every day you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman that you are

It is too easy for us as women to find fault in ourselves, inside and out. I think we all could use a little reminder that we are beautiful and necessary to this life and this world. So listen to the words. Feel the love. And remember who and whose you are!

by Steven Curtis Chapman

Seek Not to Counsel Your God

2010-11-01T15:29:00.003-04:00

*blushes guiltily*

It usually goes something like this...

Me: "You know this PTSD thing is getting pretty old."

God: "There is still work to do."

Me (stomps foot): "I'm tired of working! I'm tired of trying! I feel like I'm running in circles, never getting anywhere."

God: "I know."

Me: "Then why not fix it?"

God: "I am."

Me: "No. I mean instantly. Wave your magic wand or your Jedi hand or something and take this away!"

God: "That's not what you need."

Me: "How would you know?... Oh wait, don't answer that." (Sheepishly) "Sorry... I just wished something would change."

God: "It has."

Me: "I mean inside me! I'm not better!"

God (Patiently): "You are stronger."

Me: "I don't feel strong."

God: "I know."

Me: "Then what am I supposed to do?"

God: "Trust me."

Me: ...

We sit in silence for a few moments as I wrestle with His response.

Me: "Okay... but if you're gonna make me remove this burden one brick at a time, couldn't you at least bless us with lots of money so I don't have to worry about finances too?"

God raises one eyebrow.

Me: "Never mind. Thy will be done."

God (Pauses slightly before continuing): "Deb. I do love you."

Me: "Then why do you allow me to suffer?"

God: "Because I know what's coming. And because I know how best to prepare you."

Me: "Is it something big? Life changing? Awesome?"

God: "Does it matter?"

Me: "Kind of. I want to know if it's worth it."

God: "It's worth it."

Me: "You're sure there's not an easier way."

God: "There is always an easier way. But it's not always the best way."

Me: "You're sure I need to work through this... sure you don't want to... you know..." *makes Jedi hand gesture*

God: "I'm sure."

Me: "So I need to trust you, then? That's the best way?"

God: "Yes."

Me: "Can't we just..."

God holds up his frying pan... I can be a little stubborn at times.

Me: "Okay! I'll trust you."

He sets frying pan back down.

Me: "Father" *blushes awkwardly and looks away*

God: "Yes, daughter?"

Me: "Thanks for loving me despite myself."

God: "Always."

This was sparked from Doctrine and Covenants 22:4--"Wherefore, enter ye in at the gate, as I have commanded, and seek not to counsel your God."

I often have these little conversations with my Heavenly Father as I try to squirm or talk my way out of my trials. I have tried to convince Him that my way was the better option. But He really does know best. He can see what we cannot. And He loves us enough to allow us the opportunity to grow in knowledge, love, compassion and strength... even if we don't like it.

Do you ever barter with God? Or am I alone in this one?

Friday Hymns: There is Sunshine in My Soul Today

2010-10-29T09:42:00.000-04:00

by Eliza E. Hewitt

There is sunshine in my soul today,
More glorious and bright
Than glows in any earthly sky,
For Jesus is my light.

...

There is gladness in my soul today,
And hope and praise and love,
For blessings which he gives me now,
For joys "laid up" above.

Oh, there's sunshine, blessed sunshine
When the peaceful happy moments roll.
When Jesus shows his smiling face,
There is sunshine in the soul.

There really is sunshine in my soul today! I feel gladness for my Savior's blessings--for the power of prayer and the miracle of healing. I feel like I've been sick forever! The result of an antibiotic that didn't agree with me. I took my last one yesterday and, after the most horrible day ever, woke this morning renewed, invigorated and ready to face the day with joy!

What brings sunshine to your soul?

Thank you, Nephi

2010-10-26T12:47:00.000-04:00

There are a LOT of reasons to have gratitude towards the initial contributor of the Book of Mormon. His faith helped lead a people across the wilderness (and the ocean!), establish a civilization in the Americas, and begin a book that would bless people for countless generations. But today I am grateful for one particular experience.

1 Nephi 18:8-16.

Let me set the stage. The family, through Nephi's direction (which came from the Lord), had built a ship, stocked it with everything they needed, and headed out to sea. Many days into the journey a celebration ensued during which Laman, Lemuel and their little band of followers (who else, right?) took things too far. Nephi's not specific, but he states they did dance and sing and "speak with much rudeness, yea, even that they did forget by what power they had been brought thither" (verse 9). I think we can all see where this is headed--Nephi chastises in righteousness, Laman and Lemuel get ticked, and Nephi ends up bound that he "could not move" (verses 11-12). Actually, I'm surprised they didn't try to throw him overboard. But I digress.

Fast forward a few verses and we see that, eventually, the two are humbled through the ferocity of the Lord and consent to release Nephi rather than getting swallowed up by the sea. Nephi staggers away from the mast (a little creative license taken there... I don't know if he really staggered or if he was even bound to a mast), noting that his wrists and ankles "had swollen exceedingly...and great was the soreness thereof" (verse 15).

And here it is, in verse 16 : "Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions."

*heavenly choirs sing the same chords as my heart*

You might be thinking "aaaand...? Heavenly choirs sing because...?" Don't leave just yet! The reason I thank Nephi for this ever so tiny bit of scripture is because it depicts Nephi expressing gratitude after his trial... or at least closer to its end.

See, I struggle a LOT sometimes trying to be grateful for "being bound insomuch that I [cannot] move." It's hard. Afflictions are hard. What I saw from Nephi is that maybe I should spend less energy worrying about being grateful right now and spend more energy praying for the Lord's help during my struggle--for patience and faith in His ways. I'm not saying that murmuring is okay. We are taught to "endure to the end" and "endure well." What I am saying is that it's okay for us to recognize we're in a tight spot, focus on praying for release, and then express our gratitude when the release comes... or when we recognize the mini-miracles that move us forward.

That may seem odd or even wrong to many members. But I needed this today. I needed to know that today, it's okay to feel the soreness of my wounds. It's okay to simply pray for my release. And the scripture gave me hope that, like Nephi, I'll be able to praise the Lord all the day long for using my life that He might "show forth his power" (verse 11).

So, thank you Nephi. I am grateful the Lord chose you and that you chose to share this particular experience. Thank you for your dedication, faith and love. We all continue to be blessed by your words and deeds.

Sick Day

2010-10-19T15:40:00.000-04:00

No really. I'm taking a sick day... maybe two... because this silly head-cold-thing has been coming on so gradually I didn't notice it until it was too late. With all my sinuses blocked and unable to breathe, I lost brain functioning capabilities. So, if you'd still like to see something I provide the following in lieu of a well-thought-out-and-earth-shattering blog post (hehe, like I write those anyway). ; )

WANTED: Servants of the Lord (D&C 4)

Job Description:
A marvelous work is about to come forth among the children of men. The field is white already to harvest. Must be willing to thrust in your sickle with your might.

Qualifications:
Desire to serve with all heart, might, mind and strength. Must have faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God.

Desired, but not mandatory (will provide on-the-job training):
Virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, humility, diligence.

Benefits:
Stand blameless before God at the last day. Perish not. Salvation to the soul.

Unlimited openings available immediately. Please contact the Owner with any questions. Simply “Ask and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you” (Doctrine and Covenants 4:7).

Peter, John and Joy

2010-10-18T15:37:00.001-04:00

We compare ourselves a LOT at church… generally as well as specifically in Relief Society. We look at those around us as we try to determine where we fit in some unspoken hierarchy of good-better-best choices. I chose to get an education while she chose to get married early. Or I can’t have children but she can. Or she walks path A while I am on path B. We weigh and measure ourselves against others and, at least in my case, always seem to come up short.

I wonder if Peter felt the same way in regards to the apostle John. At some point the disciples were asked what they desired most from the Lord. Peter responded that he might “speedily come unto [Christ] in [his] kingdom” (D&C 7:4), while John requested to have “power over death, that [he] might live and bring souls unto [Christ]” (D&C 7:2). Perhaps Peter felt as though his choice wasn’t good enough. Maybe he should have asked to tarry as John did. Maybe the Savior was disappointed or thought him selfish for wanting to return home.

The Savior responds to these unspoken doubts in verse 5 of Doctrine and Covenants chapter 7, “I say unto thee, Peter, this was a good desire; but my beloved has desired that he might do more.”

I know. You’re probably thinking, “There! See! John did make the better choice! The Savior admits it.” But verses 6 & 7 show that there is a greater plan at work with each of them filling different roles—for while John will tarry on the earth to bring souls unto Christ, Peter is to minister to him “behind the scenes” along with James. Together the three of them will hold the keys of the ministry. Finally, in verse 8, the Lord says, “Ye shall both have according to your desires, for ye both joy in that which ye have desired.”

Basically, your choice brings you joy, so don’t stress it. Can you imagine if Peter had changed his mind so he could be like John—serving on this Earth for centuries just because he thought John’s choice was more favored by the Savior? How AWFUL to live that way when really, inside, the thought of returning to the Savior brought him the greatest joy.

How often do we allow this same thought process to influence how our choices? How often do we make decisions based NOT on what is right for us and brings us joy, but based on what we think is the “best” answer… the “right” choice… even if it brings us misery?

Maybe this little bit of inspiration is just for me, but I feel like section 7 is teaching me to “do my best and forget the rest” (yay P90X!). I don’t have to kill myself (figuratively speaking) to prove that I am a good person. I don’t have to make the same choices as the girl sitting next to me. I can serve less (yes, I said less), I can say no (the horror! Can we say no in our church?), I can focus on my home and family, and, I can even make time for myself (*Sister Molly M. passes out*) without feeling guilty. As long as what I am giving is the best I have. We’re not talking the best super mom-by-day-law-student-by-night-while-also-solving-world-hunger can do or the best awesome-mommy-crafter-who-should-receive-a-medal-for-her-abilities-to-refab-and-reuse can do… but the best I can do. Then, let the rest go.

We all have different desires, goals, and missions in this life. For some it is to become a prophet, for others it is to bless souls via teaching and testifying. The Lord acknowledges our differences and wants us to make choices that we have “joy in” (which, by the way, is DIFFERENT than self-gratification). I think the key is to seek the Spirit in pursuing our righteous desires.

My goal for the next week is to really look at my choices. Am I making this decision because it’s what the Lord and I want for my life? Or am I making it because I’m comparing myself someone else? A good litmus test will be whether or not I have joy in that “which I desire.”

What do you think?

Church Responds to HRC Petition: A CLEAR Message of Love & Respect

2010-10-14T13:31:00.000-04:00

I was excited to see a response from the LDS Church better explaining their stance on homosexuality, including support for same-sex legal rights and condemnation of ANY violence (emotional or physical) towards these individuals. I especially appreciated the following comments:

"As a church, our doctrinal position is clear: any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and we define marriage as between a man and a woman. However, that should never, ever be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel" (emphasis added).

Later in the statement the spokesman said,

"God’s universal fatherhood and love charges each of us with an innate and reverent acknowledgement of our shared human dignity. We are to love one another. We are to treat each other with respect as brothers and sisters and fellow children of God, no matter how much we may differ from one another" (emphasis added).

So clear! So straightforward! And a message that could be applied to ALL facets of our interactions with our fellow men & women. Latter-day saints are not the judge and jury of the world. If we truly follow our Savior, than we are not here to condemn our brothers and sisters in the world or even within the gospel. We are here to love them.

Can you tell I'm just a wee bit passionate about this subject? Thank you, HQ, for sending out a statement that is clear and reiterates love and respect for all God's children.

For the complete article click on Church Responds to HRC Petition.

Second Chances

2010-10-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

I’m a worry wart. From the time I can remember I’ve worried about family, friends, world events, school and more. And my worrying wasn’t just for the present, but mostly for the future. Sure I stressed about getting good grades (at the age of 7), but I did so because I was stressed about how that would affect the college I might attend in the future. I even received in-school suspension in the fifth grade for fighting (unbelievable, right?), and so stressed that this would keep me from attending a university, I pleaded with the principal to allow me to clean the school grounds so that it would be listed as mandatory community service on my “permanent record.” But I digress.

One of my huge worries is that I might have missed some essential opportunity that could have completely changed my life. Before Joe came along it was along the lines of, “What if I should have gone to such-and-such a fireside because I might have met my eternal companion and now, because I didn’t, I’ll spend the rest of this life alone.” Or “what if I am banned from entering the Celestial Kingdom because I didn't open my mouth when the Spirit told me to?” *Shakes head at self*

That would be enough except that I STILL DO THIS! I continue to feel that I missed my chance to be a great writer or be something extraordinary or change the world or simply change a life. I’m thirty; doesn’t that mean I missed my chance? To teach, to travel, to write, to be.

It didn’t help reading about the Lord telling Oliver Cowdry that he missed his opportunity in Section 9. In verse 11 He says to Oliver, “Behold it (aka translating) was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now.” I had to re-read it. And then I thought about all the moments in my life when fear kept me from acting. Not sending the letter I was prompted to send to that guy from EFY. Not bearing my testimony at the visitor’s center of the Mexico City Temple (did it matter that I didn’t speak fluent Spanish?). Not bearing testimony to a young girl who had one toe in the Church and the rest confused about life. I could go on. Opportunities the Lord gave me “And I shrunk and would that I might not [do them]” (1 Nephi 4:10). Unlike Nephi, though, I walked away or prayed that the Lord would send another (which He did).

So where does the leave me?

With hope!

What?!?

Yes, with hope. Because the Lord, in verse 12, explains that He did compensate for Oliver’s weakness by strengthening Joseph and then adds this, “And neither of you have I condemned.” Manna to my soul! Yes, I have missed opportunities, but I am not condemned because the Lord understands better than the rest of us that this life is for learning and growth. Oliver recognized his problem—fear—and sought to rectify that through the Lord. If I do the same, if I begin NOW to act upon the Spirit, then I too can have a second chance at a missed opportunity. Not that EFY boy will appear at my doorstep or I’ll bump into the same couple from Mexico or even that the teenager (who is now on her way to an adult) will hear my testimony (maybe… but probably not).

Instead, like the Lord promised Oliver would translate “other records” (verse 2), He will also give me new (but different) opportunities to act upon the Spirit—like sharing a testimony during Sacrament Meeting when I’d rather hide under the bench—IF I am “faithful, and yield to no temptation, stand[ing] fast in the work wherewith [He has] called [me]” (D&C 9:13-14).

Second chances are beautiful! They are a blessing sent by our Father. We may not receive the opportunity right away. But if we remember the counsel give in verse 6, “Do not murmur, my son [or daughter], for it is wisdom in me that I have dealt with you after this manner,” then we can prepare ourselves to be ready in the future. He wants to give us time to grow, to become more than we once were, so that when the opportunity does arise, we will be ready to step forward in faith instead of shrinking in fear.

I testify that the Lord loves us! And I am grateful for the second (and third) chances that the Lord is willing to give me and all of His children. But, again, He only presents those opportunities as we show a willingness to change our hearts.

What second chances have you seen in your life?

Giving yourself permission to have balance

2010-10-11T16:07:00.006-04:00

I was going to do a post today based on Doctrine and Covenants 10:4, “Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate [serve, attend, build, sew, clean, etc]; but be diligent unto the end.”

However, I discovered President Uchtdorf said everything and more that was in my heart in a MUCH more coherent way. I know it's close to 20 minutes, but seriously... this is WORTH EVERY SECOND. I hope you feel the Savior's love through his words. I did.

Without further adieu, here is his talk from conference.(Click twice below.)

Please click here for the written copy of his talk, Of Things That Matter Most.

Not Knowing Beforehand...

2010-10-08T08:58:00.000-04:00

The scripture—1 Nephi 4:6-7—actually reads “And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth…”

It was just over a year ago when Joe and I were trying to figure out the next step in our lives. We knew it was time for a change. But what change? And when? I took the matter to the temple, hoping for some epiphany and direct answer to my question. The answer I received was anything but… “sell your bedroom furniture.” Confused, but trying to listen to the promptings of the Spirit, I put my furniture up for sale. Then the prompting came to pack my house. So I did. Eventually it was made known that we’d be moving to Maryland. No job offer, no place to go, but we knew that is where the Lord wanted us. About a month after my temple session Joe received a phone call from a company back east. After two weeks of interviews he had the job and less than two weeks later we were driving across America to find a place to live and for him to start work. All of it was directed by the Spirit.

But that didn’t mean we lived happily ever after.

In Nephi’s situation, the Lord commanded him to obtain the plates of brass. After two failed attempts, Nephi returned to the city. Enter verses six and seven. The Lord could have provided any solution to Nephi’s dilemma. A dropped key. An open door. A window through which he could crawl to get the plates. Instead, the Lord put in Nephi’s path a drunken Laban and then commanded Nephi to cut off his head. Holy crap! Cut off his head?!?. Yep.

We arrived in Maryland September 23. Found a place to live September 28 (the same day Joe started work) and I flew back to Utah September 29 to finish packing our home for the movers. Things seemed to be working out perfectly. Eventually, however, the costs of moving, an unrented/unsold home, and the cost-of-living increase took its toll. We struggled tirelessly to outrun the financial ruin chasing us. I tried to get a job and even received a needed job offer, but the Lord had other plans. After a 3-day panic attack I had to turn the job down.

Two months later I got a call from the assistant district attorney who was over my case. They had decided NOT to prosecute. Not enough evidence. I was stunned—frozen, numb and cold like the Maryland winter surrounding me. By Spring, my mental health had disintegrated like the melting snow.

Why Lord? Why is everything falling apart when I listened to the Spirit!?! When I followed YOUR counsel?

I wonder if Nephi asked the same thing. He had listened to the Spirit. He had returned to Jeruselum. He knew God was all powerful, then why ask him to slay another person? In verse ten he said, “I shrunk and would that I might not slay him.” I think we shrink too when faced with challenges we do not understand. Nephi was fortunate enough to have the Spirit give him an immediate answer in verse thirteen. But we are sometimes not so fortunate. Sometimes the Lord must wait to give us our answer. Sometimes we need time to hear what He is saying.

Through the course of this year I have learned why the Lord dropped us off in Maryland—in this place, with this ward. He knew our future, knew the news to come, and was laying the foundation for the resources I would need to overcome the challenges in my future. Nephi was led to Laban so that he “might obtain the records according to [the Lord’s] commandments.” I was led to Maryland so that I might obtain the resources I needed in order to be able to follow the Lord’s commandments.

There are many times in our lives when we are “led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which we should do.” We don’t know what the future will look like or what will happen. Nevertheless, I pray that we might go forth with faith, trusting that, while the answer may not be what we expected, the Lord is directing our lives and that through Him we will receive our greatest joy and happiness.

We are not out of the wilderness yet and I still have many deep waters to cross. But I trust that as I continue to go forth—whether “smiting off heads” or building ships—that I “need not fear” (verse 33) for by doing so I can be free from the world and will have a place with my Father in this life and in the next.

But real life doesn't seem that simple. What helps you to move forward instead of shrinking away, especially when the path is hard?

Do not ask for that which you ought not

2010-10-07T07:34:00.000-04:00

In Doctrine and Covenants section 8 the Lord is speaking to Oliver Cowdery regarding his desire to translate. In verse 9 the Lord says, “Whatsoever you shall ask me to tell you by that means, that will I grant unto you,” but then attaches this warning in verse 10: “do not ask for that which you ought not.”

My dilemma… how do I discern between what is okay to ask for and what isn’t? For example, how much do I push my Heavenly Father for answers regarding my infertility? In the beginning I just kept getting the answer of “not yet.” I didn’t want to push Him so I stopped asking for a baby. I didn’t want to be like Joseph who lost the 116 pages of the Book of Mormon. (In case you need the quick rundown, Joseph asked that he might give the pages to Martin Harris (I think) to show to someone else. The Lord say no, but Joseph kept asking. Eventually the Lord said yes, Joseph gave the pages to Martin, who gave them to someone else and POOF, the pages were gone.) Likewise, I didn’t want to keep pushing my Father to give me a baby and then, despite knowing it wasn’t the right time, Him sending one and something dreadful happening. (One could make themselves crazy thinking like this, right?)

But nine years later I’m wondering if the Lord has been testing me. Was I supposed to ask more diligently? Was I supposed to fast every month for an answer I wanted? Was every temple session supposed to be dedicated to the desire to bear children? Did I not do enough? Ask enough? Is that why we remain childless?

So how do I know? How do we gauge what we should be asking for verses “that which we ought not?”

Brick Walls, Bulldozers and the Other Alternatives

2010-10-06T14:13:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine made an interesting post on her family blog that I just haven't been able to get out of my head. In her words, "It just feels like every time I try to get something accomplished I hit a brick wall." And not just one, but many until "Before I know it, I'm in this tiny room surrounded by 8 foot walls on each side."

I can relate. I share her frustration. And I haven't been able to shake the "why" that has been floating through my head since that time. I mean, God is all powerful, right? I know He could just send a bulldozer to knock down the obstacle, obliterate the wall. But He doesn't. There is no robe for me to grasp that will make me whole in an instant. No mud to cover my eyes only to be washed off so that I might see. No single touch to cure my illness. The bulldozer called "Miracle" has not come down my street.

Yet, during the past two weeks I have felt the Holy Ghost testify to me that I--we--have resources, and that single word--RESOURCES--has not left me. It brushes against my consciousness, a soft reminder to open my eyes and see what has been done.

Detours
The Lord knows what is best for us. What we need instead of what we want. Sometimes that means taking us down a path we didn't want to go. Instead of providing a way through the wall, He shows us the way around it.

In college I was all lined up to graduate with an English Lit major and Spanish minor. My final semester loomed large in front of me: Spanish Lit, Spanish grammar and Spanish composition. Surprisingly, I didn't know Spanish all that well. What was I thinking? Well I didn't get a bulldozer. I wasn't suddenly blessed with the increased ability to understand this language that I'd been studying for the past 3 years. Nope. Instead my English department decided that for the first time in HISTORY they'd allow an English major to minor in Technical Writing. I had already taken most of the classes. I know... miracle... but it was a detour from my planned path. A new road that took me to places I'd never thought I'd be but that have been essential to my testimony and understanding of the gospel.

Ropes
Sometimes the Lord provides a rope to help us climb over the wall. It's an obstacle He knows we need to overcome. An opportunity to climb to the top, see the view and celebrate our success! He gives us friends, family, loved ones, leaders, professionals and more to help pull us up. At the top of every rope is someone encouraging us, cheering and shouting that we can make it.

One of the brick walls in my life (that I'm still climbing) has to do with my temper. I come from a family of raging tempers and quick fuses. (My husband calls it the atomic bomb). I've prayed for more patience, greater love, a calmer nature, but (as of yet) I am still burdened with the destructive power of rage. This isn't a challenge the Lord has removed or allowed me to sidestep. It's an obstacle to happiness that I must climb so that I can appreciate the view. He's blessed me with a more-than-patient husband whose calm runs deeper than my rage burns hot. He holds my rope--pulling up when he can, encouraging when I want to give up, and holding strong when I slip so I won't fall all the way back to the bottom.

Demolition... one piece at a time
My friend made an incredibly insightful comment towards the end of her post. She said, "I've been pondering for a while what would be the reason for all of this happening and I think that maybe I'm just supposed to move this wall one brick at a time."

Some walls can't be side stepped or climbed. Some walls require the long, arduous process of removing the wall brick by brick by brick. Her insight meant so much to me! I've been screaming for a bulldozer, hollering for a rope, asking for a detour and yet the aftermath of trauma has not been removed from me. Through Darcy (thank you my dear friend!), I realized that this particular challenge must be dealt with, piece by piece, in order for me to receive complete and lasting healing. Her words have helped me feel peace as I work through each tiny step of healing.

Despite the claustrophobia that accompanies many of our trials--making us feel trapped and without hope--we are never alone. Yes, we have friends, neighbors, members, and more who bless and help us succeed. But let us not forget the members of the Godhead. They are a powerful team, comprised of three distinct and separate beings with various missions/roles to fulfill even though their purpose is the same. Despite how we may feel, they are actually on our side! They are our planning committee as we work together in developing our life. They are our cheerleaders when we rock or when we fail. They are our coaches who push us harder than we think we can stand because they see our greater potential and know we can succeed. And they are our strength when we think we have none left. Our Father, via His Son and the Holy Ghost, does provide detours, ropes, brick removal and helping hands (and even sometimes bulldozers); but I hope you'll also remember that they don't just assist from afar... they are there in the trenches with you.

So the next time you feel yourself trapped in a "tiny room surrounded by 8 foot walls on each side," I hope you'll take the opportunity to speak with our Savior about which option is best before you break a toe trying to kick down that annoying brick wall.

New Twitter Presence!

2010-10-05T22:29:00.001-04:00

So I decided to create a twitter account just for Cheer & Bless (trying to separate Church and ~~state~~... I mean secular writing. If you get a chance, go check it out! And follow me while you're there. :)

Lots of love... back to posting tomorrow... I hope.

Find me on Twitter... http://twitter.com/cheerandbless

Working through Distractions

2010-09-28T09:01:00.000-04:00

Distractions. We all have them. Kids, spouse, family, work, hobbies, activities... this blog (hehe)! The list could go on for all the hours in the day. The question I'm putting to you is, "How do you work through your distractions? How do you make time and space to get the really important stuff done?"

I've made a list of the usual to-dos. I've even prioritized them. I love my new list and new focus. However, I have a cousin in town this week and I'm finding that even the most important things are falling through the cracks. So I wonder... how do others make this work? How do you fit in scripture study, prayer, journaling, BREATHING amidst all the rest of the stuff of life?

I look forward to your insight! Happy Tuesday. Hope it's a good one for you!

Cultivating Love

2010-09-24T10:07:00.000-04:00

Whether or not you have felt, currently feel, or are missing that love for your Heavenly Father, yourself, or others, you can cultivate it in your hearts, even if you’ve never felt it before.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend, two Christian psychologists relate it this way, “Our emotional heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood (meaning we need to both receive and give love for a healthy emotional center). And like its physical counterpart, our emotional heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. We need to take responsibility for this loving function of ourselves and use it.” Like rehabilitating a muscle, we need to approach loving our Heavenly Father, ourselves and others in baby steps. One doesn’t just finish heart surgery and then run a marathon. Instead, we start small and as we see the heart strengthening, we continue increasing our activity levels.

So baby steps.

Pray
First we should do as instructed in Moroni 7:48, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son.” I always used to think that scripture meant pray for the pure love of Christ in regards to my fellowmen. More of a “love your neighbor” scripture. It wasn’t until recently that I found the power in praying for love for the Godhead and myself. Each time I knelt and asked for the pure love of Christ to enter my heart that I might love my Heavenly Father, my Savior and myself unconditionally, I rose with a renewed testimony of not only my love for them, but of their love for me. In the beginning the feelings would only last for moments. But I kept exercising my heart muscle and eventually the feelings lasted longer and longer. I prayed for help with small things like a few minutes of peace in the chaos that was my brain or help in my calling. And He answered. Miraculously I had friends sending emails and calling with reminders that they loved me and cared. I received inspiration in my calling to assist the amazing young women whom I serve. I had co-leaders expressing appreciation for lessons that I had agonized over. And every time my small prayers were answered my trust and my love grew. So pray for that love!

Try, Try and Try Again
We must be willing to at least experiment if we are to gain or regain a testimony of our Father, a love for ourselves, or renewed faith in our fellow men. And we must be willing to give ourselves time to do it. When we are new at something or learning a skill over again it is easy to become frustrated about our slow progress. We want to give up and use our seeming inadequacies as proof of failure. “It didn’t work the first time!” we argue. “That means either God doesn’t exist or I’m just not good enough for success.” That is the adversary speaking. That is his minion that we call Doubt, burrowing into our minds to try and destroy our efforts before we even get started. Do not let him win! Instead respond as Moses did in Moses 1:16, “Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not; for God said unto me: Thou art after the similitude of mine Only Begotten.” We ARE beloved children of a Heavenly Father and He has provided a savior, even Jesus Christ, to help us when we fall. In those moments, we must be willing to forgive ourselves for setbacks as we would a dear friend and to get up and try again.

Find a Friend
In Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 we read, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.” Find a friend. Whether this be a spouse, family member, friend, therapist, leader or whomever, find someone you can confide in. Someone who loves you as the Savior loves you and who wants what is best for you and not for them. Include this person on your journey and trust them. During my times of darkness, when I could not see spiritually, I would express my concerns to Joe along with my doubts and fears. At those times he would respond with love, understanding and a simple question, “If you cannot trust anything else, can you trust me?” Of course I could! He’d reply, “Then just for this time, trust me that God loves you.” His willingness to love me despite myself has given me hope that not only can God love me, but I can also love myself.

Serve Others
Finally, we need to serve others. Matt 10:39 reads, “He who seeketh to save his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” There is something unexplainable about service that strengthens our bonds with our Father, our Savior, our neighbor and ourselves. I can testify that my calling of service in Young Woman has saved me. It has blessed me beyond words.

There it is. Simple, but not always so easy. Our path begins with love for our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. It continues with love for ourselves and for our neighbor. If we do not have this love now, we can cultivate it as we seek charity in prayer, keep trying, utilize the support of trustworthy individuals, and serve others. In doing these things we won't have to seek love; instead, love will find us. It will fill our hearts and overflow our spirits.

Finding Love: Turning our hearts outward

2010-09-23T09:26:00.001-04:00

We've chatted loving God and turning that love inward to ourselves. Bet ya can't figure out what's next! Ok, so you can. Loving our neighbors with equal intensity as we love ourselves. I could ask "who is our neighbor," but I believe we all know the answer... everyone. That includes the people who are easy to love, like our cherished family members, good friends, caring leaders, etc. It also includes people are are NOT so easy to love like thoughtless family, rude acquaintances, the annoying guy in the car in front of you who just cut you off, and those who abuse, use and in any other way harm us. This is the point where I'd like to make the differentiation between like and love. I don't have to like everyone on this planet. I don't have to call them up for a movie night or take them out to dinner. I don't even have to say yes if they invite me. However, I do need to love them. To me that means not wishing them harm. We may not be BFFs, but we are not arch enemies either. I try REALLY hard not to entertain fantasies of their downfall. I don't gossip about them. I don't continue hating them throughout the day because they made my commute horrible. Loving them with the pure love of Christ means giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Understanding that they are also struggling with the human experience and sometimes (or even all the time) make bad choices.

Let's take one of my abusers for the moment. I do NOT like him. I wouldn't hang out with him on the weekends or even recommend any of my friends do the same. Heck, I don't even want to be in the same state as this guy! However, I do love him as a son of God. Now believe you me, that wasn't easy. I didn't come to that love overnight! It has taken time and energy and processing. But where I used to picture his demise (dark... I know), I now pray that he can find a better path for himself and his family. Do I still desire justice? Of course. But justice can be fulfilled without malice, hate, and a wish that someone would bump him off in the middle of the night.

You can like and not love someone. You can love and not like someone. I think it's possible. We haven't been asked to like everyone, we've been asked to love with the pure love of Christ. Am I splitting hairs? Does loving mean making friends with everyone on the planet? Does is mean never having a negative thought towards another human being? Or does it mean trying to understand where they are coming from even as we try to understand our reactions to them and their choices? What does it mean to love our neighbor as ourselves?

Finding Love: Can you love YOU first?

2010-09-22T09:46:00.000-04:00

The second piece I’d like to focus on today is the often overlooked “love thyself.” When we read, "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself," we jump to the idea that we need to love our neighbors more than we love ourselves. That is being selfless, right? But that's not what that particular scripture says. It indicates that we love others as we love ourselves, equally--neither is greater or less than the other.

So what do I mean by "love thyself?" We’re not talking the prideful boasting of one’s un-contended awesomeness. We are talking about the humble belief that we are good enough. The conviction that after one strips away our accomplishments, failures, first place prizes or purple ribbons, that we are valuable and worthy of God’s love. This isn’t easy, especially in our church culture. We have a tendency to use our checklist as a frying pan to beat ourselves with when we fail to be “perfect,” when we fail to meet the unwritten expectations of the allusive “cookie-cutter” mold. The scriptures abound with testimony of our worth as children of God. Our prophets are practically shouting our divine nature from the pulpit. But are we listening? When we read the words of our Savior in John 17:23 which testify, “That the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me” (emphasis added) do we believe Him? Do we believe that our Heavenly Father loves us with the same intensity that He loves our Savior, His only begotten son? Do we believe we are worthy of such love? Are we willing to look ourselves in the eye, knowing what we know that we think no one else knows, and say, “[Insert Name Here], you are a beloved daughter of God, who loves you. You are enough 'as-is.' Your value will never change, only your heart will.”

I believe we can't feel the love of others for us until we can love ourselves. Or, if we do, we don't believe it. We simply wait for it to fizzle and fail per our expectations. Am I wrong? Is it possible to know and feel others' love for us if we can't feel it for ourselves? Will that last? Do we wait for others to come to our rescue and prove that we are valued?

Finding Love: It Starts with God

2010-09-21T08:21:00.000-04:00

Love has been on my mind a lot. I think it always is. Does God love me? Do I love myself? Do others love me? And if these answers are yes, why do I have a difficult time feeling it? So this week I thought I'd do a simple study on love. But it didn't begin where I thought it would... knowing God loves me. Instead it began in Matthew 22:37-39,

“37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38 This is the first and great commandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

Before anything else we must “love the Lord our God” with ALL of our heart, soul and mind. It is essential to every single step in the gospel. Essential to finding love. If we do not believe in God, if we do not love Him, then why keep all His commandments? Why continue trying to be better every day? Why even desire His love in return?

I used to think this was the easiest thing in the world! Of course I loved God! Of course I loved my Savior! It seemed like gospel 101. Simple and easy. And then a trial came upon me that shattered everything I understood, everything I felt, and everything I believed. Suddenly loving Him wasn’t so easy anymore. Believing He existed was more than hard. This experience seemed to sever my connection with the Spirit and I felt lost and alone. Sometimes I still do.

You may have had a similar experience, you may have one in the future, and you may have no idea what I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter... because we don't need to compare. Instead think about, “if ye have felt to sing the of redeeming love, I would ask, can you feel so now?” Do you feel that love toward your Father in Heaven? Does it burn inside you?

If yes, awesome! Hold on to that feeling. Write it down and refer to it often. If not, that is okay. You can receive that love for Him, I promise.

So think about it this week. Where do you stand? How do you feel? Do you even want to love God? What is your relationship like with Him?

A Hill above the Rest

2010-09-20T12:57:00.000-04:00

A betrayed man stumbles.
His dragging feet strain
To climb a cold, forsaken hill
As He carries the world on His shoulders.

Sadness and grief pull him closer to the earth beneath.
His scourged body—striped with lashes and
Covered only by rags and a crown of thorns—
Falls to the dust.

Nailed to a tree,
He suffers for the generations of mankind.
Hands, though a servant’s, are most precious above all;
Pierced and bleeding, they give their last gift to the world.

Forgiveness emanates from the Shepherd’s face
As His eyes, brimmed with tears, gaze across misplaced hatred.
Pains of an entire world
Are engraven upon His countenance.

Then raising His voice to heaven
With a final act of love,
Broken lips form the words,
“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

The sun darkens, the veil is rent,
And the sky cries
As a scorned man dies
On a hill above the rest.

Website Highlight: Mormon Women.org

2010-09-17T08:35:00.001-04:00

I stumbled across Mormon Women.org this morning as I was looking for inspiration. And believe me, I was definitely inspired. The site is beautiful and the articles deep and thoughtful. Yesterday's post, "Lead Me, Guide Me, Walk Beside Me," was a remembrance of a recently passed member, Sally, who had deeply influenced the lives of all those around her. It reminded me of my grandpa and I just had to share. If you get a moment, take a gander at the article and the website. I don't think you'll be disappointed. I wasn't.

Lots of love and happy Friday!

Failure Is ALWAYS an Option

2010-09-16T12:51:00.000-04:00

This is one of my favorite quotes from Mythbusters (and one of my new rules of life). I love the trial and error of experimentation, but, more so, I LOVE that Mythbusters have fun while trying... even if they fail miserably!

In our Church culture we often get caught up in the "perfection" of what we do. When we mess up, make a mistake, or fail we pull out the huge cast iron pan we keep in our mental closets and beat ourselves over the head. "Alas," we cry, "I have not read scriptures for a few days! I missed church last week! I cannot go to the temple like this... I have failed this month." etc. Or, at least, that is what I say... "alas" and all, hehe. I think Satan is good at helping us take little things and turn them into Armageddon. We inflate our failures (perhaps even without his help) until they are so huge we cannot see past them to believe we deserve good things in our lives.

At one point during this long-old journey of mine, I had stopped attending church. Church was a place FULL of triggers that sent me from one panic attack into the next. I tried to attend and, in my eyes, had failed. I was still participating in the gospel at home... still praying, reading scriptures, searching church magazines, paying a full tithe, discussing my feelings and despair with my spouse, etc. I was trying but still felt myself coming up short. I wasn't perfect in my goals.

I took my concerns to my bishop. I wanted desperately to attend the temple but, because of my failures, felt unworthy to be in the house of the Lord. If I couldn't make it to church, what business did I have in one of His temples? After a heartfelt discussion with the bishop, I was invited to attend the temple. The Lord knew my struggles. He knew the intent of my heart, even if my attempts to prove my devotion were far from perfect. And He had peace to offer me.

We aren't perfect. We're human... perfection is unobtainable in this life. But that doesn't mean we stop trying. One failure doesn't stop the Mythbusters team from trying... from reaching for the end result. Heck! A dozen failures won't stop them! Neither should those seeming inadequacies stop us. Missed scripture study this morning? Or every morning? Maybe it's time to try a different time to read them. Falling asleep before you can say your evening prayers? Try having those at 8:30p. FHE on Monday night a problem because of work? Move it to Wednesday! Look at what's working and what isn't. Adjust. Try again.

Sierra made a great comment. If we remove "perfect" from our vocabulary and use "Christ centered" instead, it changes the way we see our lives. A "perfect" home may be out of my reach, but I know I can create and maintain a "Christ centered" home. The same can be said of my prayers, scripture study, callings, etc. Perfection is not my goal. Instead, my goal is to be centered in Christ. Will there be moments of weakness where I fail? Certainly. But that doesn't mean it's over... that I stop trying. I learn by falling and then picking myself back up. As long as I keep pushing forward towards Christ, He will make up for anything I lack. So keep trying. Enjoy the process. And remember, failure is always an option.

What do you think? How can we learn to see our "failures" as a positive experience rather than a reason to throw in the towel?

For another great read on overcoming fear of failure, check out this article by The Ink Phantom.

How will they know if we don't tell them?

2010-09-15T11:49:00.001-04:00

I'm struggling. I know... SURPRISE! As if I've made it a secret, lol. My struggles could fall in almost every category... financial, medical, familial, etc. Some days I feel like I can't even breathe. I know we're taught that the Lord only gives us what we can handle, but seriously... does He really have to stress test me at 110%? Some days I feel like giving up, throwing in the towel, taking an extended nap/vacation/break/etc and never coming back. Then I ask myself... can I take just one more step? Sometimes this works... other days I just don't know.

I was having one of "those days" last Friday, which also happened to coincide with a very special Girls Night Out (I only see these gals every 6 months or so). Like usual, I couldn't hide a dang thing from them. They read me cover to cover, saw all my darkness, found all my weak spots, noted the monsters & skeletons hiding in my closets, and then proceeded to tell me how much they loved me. We cried together over our pasts, our fears and our doubts until the wee hours of the morning. I needed them that night... needed to hear their words of encouragement... needed help believing that I could take that "one more step."

I left with peace in my heart, but I couldn't escape the thought "I never would have known such things if they hadn't told me." Then my thoughts drifted to another beloved girl in my life... a sister I'd give my life for. She was probably asleep at that moment, unaware that I was up and thinking of her. We'd had a falling out and hadn't spoken in more months than I care to remember. Did she know I love her? Did she know I still care? Did she know I don't judge her? That I only wish her peace and happiness in her life?

I knew she didn't. How could she? Our last words were words of anger--leaving a gap between us as vast as the Grand Canyon, filled only with awkwardness and heartache. What if something happened? What if my plane crashed on the way home? What if I met up with another armed robber who decided to shoot this time? Could I take the chance that one of us might leave this earth without ever having told her how I feel?

So at the last minute possible, having put off the awkward moment of showing up at her house with a Hi, I know you told me to stay out of your life, but I love you and I miss you... I drove up, unannounced, and knocked on her door. I burst into tears upon seeing her and threw my arms around her slim frame. Words of love and grief tumbled from my lips. We held onto each other and cried. I don't know if it was enough. I don't know if she could feel my love for her in those few moments. But I do know that I won't... I can't... stop trying.

My grandpa used to always tell me about a couple who'd been married a long time. After years of marriage, one spouse turns to the other and says "you don't tell me you love me any more." The other spouse replies: "I told you I loved you when we got married. If it ever changes, I'll let you know!"

But I don't think that's even close to a remotely good plan. How will our friends know how much we appreciate and love them if we don't tell them? How will our spouses know of our gratitude for their family contributions or the depth of our love if we don't share? How will our grandparents, parents, siblings, children, friends neighbors know the intent and feelings of our hearts if we don't tell them? How will they know?

Don't assume that they do know. Any one of my friends at the GNO last Friday could have assumed I knew. They could have left things alone and moved on to the latest movie or newest home decorating trend. I could have left feeling as depressed and hopeless as when I entered their home, except for a few hours of fluffy fun. Instead I left uplifted because they took the time (and the risk) to share their thoughts with me, to tell me how they feel. This inspired me to share my heart, however difficult, with my sister. It's reminded me to tell everyone in my life how loved they are.

Time is too short. Let's not waste it. YOU ARE LOVED! By me... by our Heavenly Father... by our Savior, Jesus Christ and by the countless others whose lives you bless through your example, testimony and service. Don't discount that. Don't think for a second that because this is some random blog I don't know what I'm talking about. While that may be true in many cases it is NOT true in this one. I repeat, YOU ARE LOVED!

Who will you tell today that you love them? What relationships will you strengthen? Which will you mend?

The Ick That Is Gossip

2010-09-14T12:38:00.002-04:00

I am not sure where to even begin with this tale. Maybe with a few facts.

Fact 1: I have been diagnosed with PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) with its companions severe depression and anxiety.

Fact 2: I have been seeking counseling regarding the above for almost 2 years.

Fact 3: I have published my experiences relating to facts 1 and 2 on this site as well as on my writing site, Brain Vomit.

Those three things being stated, why would it bother me to find out others having been passing this information via the telephone game? I'll phrase it this way... a close friend of mine confided in a close friend of his (further referred to as Person 1) that he was worried about me and Fact 1. Person 1 then told person 2 who passed Fact 1 onto person 3 who passed it onto person 4 who called person 5 with "have you heard..." who then called my husband.

Big deal, right? It was all true, wasn't it? And not just true but published online for any friend or stranger to read! Yet, I felt angry and betrayed. Why didn't any one of those people simply call me directly with questions? The situation stung. Already thin trust dissolved completely. And regardless of the innocence of the discussion, in my mind I felt negative judgements from each member along the train. I could go into the melodrama that ensued, the tears that fell and the end result that left no closure at all, but that isn't the point.

From this very minor-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-but-huge-in-my-current-life moment I realized a VERY valuable lesson: Gossip hurts, regardless of the validity of the information being shared. And once touched... once received and then passed on... we can't undo it. We can't take it back. There is no Microsoft Undo button to magically remove the stain on our hands and our hearts from the ick that is gossip... it can be done, but making ourselves clean will require work and time.

I am deeply sorry for ever being a participant of passing around truthful, yet personal information about others. I now understand how much it hurts. I am so, so very sorry.

Have you ever been hurt by gossip? How do you keep yourself from gossiping, even if it is truth telling, about others? Where do we draw the line?

For a great read on gossip check out the Q&A in this New Era (Dec 1997).

Remembering without Enmity

2010-09-13T12:08:00.001-04:00

This has become my new favorite definition of forgiveness (thank you Sierra!). It’s real and achievable. I know I won’t be able to forget certain scenes of my life, but I can cultivate the ability to look back on my past and someday remember experiences or people without the pain, grief or anger I currently feel. The definition can be applied to both me and others—recalling mistakes without beating myself up for them or thinking of those who have wronged me without hate and malice in my heart. Remembering without enmity. It is a gift… even if it may take a long time to develop.

And I mean a long time. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness isn’t always instant. We’ve been taught, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10). I’ve always thought, “It’s required, right? Doesn’t that mean instant? They say ‘I’m sorry’ and then POOF! all negative feelings inside me go away as I say ‘I forgive you.’”

Sure, some situations are that easy. My husband may say something hurtful to me (or vice versa) and then, realizing the mistake, apologies ensue and all is quickly forgiven with tender hugs and makeup kisses. It takes me minutes rather than years to let go of the comment and move on.

But some situations, some wrongs, hurt so deeply that the wound cannot be covered with a quick band aid of “I forgive you,” even if we want to mean it. At those times, when I haven’t felt forgiveness right away, I have berated myself, adding guilt and disappointment to the other emotions already churning inside me. I didn’t want to be that person in Doctrine and Covenants 64:9, “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” I didn’t want to be the one holding the greater sin.

However, through the blessings of great counseling and a loving Bishop, I have learned that emotional processes exist, whether or not we understand them, which require time for healing. Skipping them or ignoring them will only lead to more painful processing later. I have been taught that forgiveness isn’t always instant—that forgiveness isn’t about speed so much as it is about desire and a lasting change of heart. Do I desire to forgive my abusers even if I don’t know how at this point in my life? Do I desire to forgive the man who traumatized me or the people who continue to do so with their judgments and whispered words of ignorance and malice? Do I desire to set myself on a path to better understand the atonement as it applies to my life and the life of those who hurt me or who I have hurt? Am I ready to embark on the journey of remembering without enmity—to experience a might change of heart? Yes. I. Am.

There are those in this world who are capable of instant and lasting forgiveness. I am not one of them. I’ve been forced to learn that, as the world was not created in a literal seven days, my ability to forgive deep wounds will not be cultivated in a calendar week. For those, like me, who need help and time to understand the complex emotions of pain and forgiveness, I invite you to make the journey with me as I study, ponder and pray about The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister. My bishop and I are reading this book together as I search for greater wisdom and peace in my life. Join me. Share your insights with me. Help me learn to forgive.

I love you. I am grateful for you. I started this blog with the intention to bless others… to let them know they are not alone in struggles that fall outside “the norm” of our church culture. But honestly, it is I who am blessed. I am the one learning from you. I am the one finding solace through your sharing. Thank you for being His hands… for lifting me when I would fall and holding me when I cry. I really do love you.

P.S. I'll be posting a "reading schedule" for The Infinite Atonement later this week. We'll start chatting about it the following week... probably Thursday.

Mormon Messages: Voice of the Spirit

2010-09-09T12:46:00.000-04:00

I truly do love this message. I encourage my YW all the time to listen to the Spirit when directing their lives. We receive a lot of counsel in our church, but we still must turn to the Spirit for direction. Our path will look different from the paths of those around us. Does that make either path wrong, incorrect or invalid? No. As long as we have listened to the voice of the Spirit.

But I can't help but wonder about some of the other voices mentioned... Does my pursuit of non-Church related things mean I'm on the wrong path? Should my writing focus on God? Should my novels and stories only be about Christian things in order for them to be worthwhile?

I also wonder if my voice here at Cheer and Bless is one of whining or distraction. Is this blog actually lifting those who stop by here? Or have I only succeeded in giving us a place to vent when we don't like what is happening in the real world? I don't know.

I suppose this message was for me today. Looks like I need to tune into the Spirit and find out on which path I should be walking.

Is your light on a dimmer switch?

2010-09-02T10:28:00.000-04:00

"Do not allow people to dim your shine because they are blinded. Tell them to put on some sunglasses, cuz we were born this way!" - Lady Gaga

I know, I know. Of all people to say something truly profound. It just had to be Lady Gaga! Normally I wouldn’t quote her, but I just couldn’t pass this one up. From the time I was young I’ve seen this happen in my own life and in the lives of others.

Case in point, the “Friendship Circle of 1990.” Don’t bother looking it up. It’s the name I’ve just given to an experience I had about the time I was 10 years old. A group of my friends decided to sit me down and tell me all the things I had wrong with me. A few I had heard before... names like “goody-two-shoes” and “perfect” were thrown around like grenades. And then the atom bomb... the one I wasn’t expecting... “vain.” Essentially I spent too much time on my hair and worrying what I look like (which led to my ponytail perma-do and no makeup that I still continue today... but that’s a whole other post on a totally different blog). Anyway, I should have told them to put on their sunglasses, but instead I turned down my light.

Fast forward to 1995ish. I’m in a new ward, new Sunday School class. The teacher is asking questions (as most teachers do) except no one is answering them. In my last ward it was a race to see who could answer the fastest. In this ward, it was the unwritten rule to keep your mouth shut... something that I—the new girl—didn’t know and wouldn’t follow even if I had known. I loved the gospel and especially loved the discussions that could be had at church. Eventually I was met with ridicule and scorn. This time they used words like “know-it-all,” “self-righteous” and “you think you’re better than everyone else.” I didn’t think I was any of those things, but I wondered if—maybe—they were right. So the light got a little dimmer.

In college I decided to throw caution to the wind. I was there to have fun. I worked so hard during high school, didn’t have a social life, and knew I wanted something different for college. I eventually found my way into a circle of friends I loved. My volleyball crowd. I had so much fun with the different guys and girls. We were always getting together for any excuse we could. Yeah, I liked some of the guys. How could you not? They were wicked cute and I’d already established they had winning personalities. But I wasn’t ready for anything serious. Although an unwed girl of 18 (or older) may be considered a menace to society in Utah, I wasn’t about to get married for the sake of getting married. So I dated... A LOT! (Which, btw, was completely different than my luck in high school... so hang in there... there IS hope!) The one (apparently HUGE) mistake I made was going on dates with several guys who were also close friends. I didn’t think anything of it (as none of them wanted to be serious with me), but I gained the reputation of “getting around” (in a total Mormon sense of that word... sheesh!) It hurt. My fun, loving approach towards guys (I treated them all like I do my brothers), was being interpreted as fast, flirty and completely inappropriate. My light almost went out.

The list could go on and on. I think we could all cite experiences and interactions with other people that left us feeling a little dimmer... a little less like our true selves. But I think, as I reflect back on all these type of experiences, the comments made to me didn’t come from loving friends who cared about me but from insecure acquaintances who, instead of building their own self-image, decided to tear down mine.

You and I, we were born with and have continued to develop our “shine”—the light of Christ. We do not need to apologize for that! We do not need to make excuses! And we certainly do NOT need to dim our light because others “are blinded.” I’m not talking about being in-your-face-my-way-is-the-right-way kind of people. I’m talking about the real, beautiful light that naturally shines as we are true to ourselves, our beliefs, and our God. If someone in your life doesn’t like that, well, they can get of pair of bleeping sunglasses, because you ROCK! And I wouldn’t want you any other way!

But I know that is easier said than done. How do you keep your light bright when faced with put-downs and nay-sayers?

Service... A Matter of Spirit

2010-08-31T09:41:00.000-04:00

My grandfather/surrogate-dad died on Sunday. Not really a reason to call the national guard or even the compassionate service leader for the army of meal providers that the RS can be. He wasn't my husband and I am not under any strain of funeral planning. And yet, yesterday I felt completely unable to function. Yes, I made the necessary phone calls to get flights arranged, people notified, dogs taken care of, callings covered and time off work. But in all other essentials I was completely useless. While showering felt like climbing Mount Everest, laundry and cooking was closer to piloting a ship into outer space--impossible. I figured we'd just have McDonald's.

But then I received a call from one of my Laurels. She was returning my text. I needed a dog sitter for the extended weekend and asked if she and her sister (my Mia Maid pres) could do that for me. She responded with an immediate "Yes!" Then she asked if she could bring me cookies and hugs that night. To which I responded with her same enthusiasm, "Yes!" As the conversation continued cookies turned into pasta which turned into an entire meal. I hesitated. Do I really need someone to provide me a meal? Was it okay to allow young women to serve me?

And, in truth, I did... even if I didn't know the answer to my second question.

We finally settled on dinner, with she and her sister staying to eat with us. "Are you sure? I know sometimes people need to be alone during times like this." "I am sure," I replied, though really I wasn't so sure. Did I really want to spend the night pretending? No, but having them eat with us was the least I could do.

At 7:30 pm A. and G. showed up with an entire kitchen of food and supplies. "I wasn't sure what you had, so I brought everything." I was overwhelmed by not only the table spread, but by the display of love. The effort they had put forth just for Joe and me! I was humbled. I also discovered that I didn't have to pretend to be anything but me. We ate and laughed and talked about so many different things. My tummy was SO happy and so was my heart. And the cookies? They were DELICIOUS!!! Best oatmeal chocolate chip cookies EVER! The evening was wonderful. For a couple of hours I forgot about death and robbers and pain and trials. For a few moments on a very special Monday night all I could feel was love and peace. I even went to bed and, for the first night in a VERY LONG time, did not have nightmares... I didn't even dream anything that I could remember.

Reflecting on last night, I am still overwhelmed by the service I received from A. and G. I didn't ask that of them, but they served me willingly and lovingly. I could have said no, but I knew I needed help and they were the ones who answered my prayers.

17- and 15-year-old young women blessing the life of a 30-year-old woman--it's weird... like it should be the other way around. At least that is what my brain keeps telling me. But my heart sings with gratitude and reassures me that service is not a matter of ages or flow charts, it's a matter of Spirit... and these girls manifest His spirit wherever they go.

Thank you, my dear sweet young women! I love you! As much as I have been called to be your teacher, I find that I am really the student learning from your example of tenderness, selflessness and love.

Eternal Families: A Letter to My Grandpa

2010-08-30T11:43:00.001-04:00

Dear Grandpapa,

I lost you yesterday. Maybe not lost... but you had to leave. I knew this day would come. We've known for a while, but it didn't lessen the heart ache or the sadness when I found out over facebook that you were gone. I quickly ran to my phone, wondering why they didn't call, only to discover that they had called and I had missed it. All this time waiting and I missed the moment you left.

I cried a lot, Grandpa. And I felt dead inside. You were the only dad I knew for so many years. The only one that loved me like a daddy is supposed to love his little girl. How am I supposed to move forward now? I took so much comfort knowing you were just a flight or a phone call away. Like Ashley said, it will be weird picturing Grandma's living room knowing that you won't be there sitting in the rocking chair.

The rocking chair is empty. And so is my heart.

Last night as I continued to cry while Joe held me I wondered how other families handle death without knowing that there is a life after. How do they cope without the knowledge that we can all live together again? I know I will see you again. I know we will be together. I know that if I am really good... that if I love the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength... that if I love my neighbor as myself... that someday I'll get to see you again. I'll get to run to you and hug you and hold you. Maybe we can sit quietly in some special place like we used to. Not saying anything... just being together... saying "I love you" through our hearts instead of words.

I am grateful that we are sealed together, Grandpapa. I am grateful you lived a life devoted to our Savior and His kingdom. I am grateful that, at last, you have been released from the pain of this life to be accepted into the joy of the next one. But I will miss you... I will miss you so deeply.

Thank you for teaching me about the Lord and His gospel. Thank you for making your footsteps easy to follow so that we can be together again... this time for eternity.

I love you Grandpa... forever.

Your Little Debbie

The Bar: Dealing with High Expectations

2010-08-26T11:12:00.003-04:00

No, not the one with all the alcohol. I'm talking about that oh-so-high-and-seemingly-elusive standard that we are constantly measuring ourselves against in the Church. We use the term A LOT. Usually in the context of raising it. And sometimes, being the imperfect human that I am, I wonder if it is too much... or too high... or too often referred to. Being the daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, I realize it's not.

In my mind (because I'm completely visual), I see not just one, but a long row of high jumps waiting for me. There is a bar called "For the Strength of Youth," one entitled "Celestial Marriage," another labeled "Family," "Womanhood," "Anger," etc. Basically, one bar for each aspect of my life and being. And as I look down the field of all the tests of spiritual athletics awaiting me, I can understand why I might be overwhelmed. Although 30, I still feel rather new to the whole high jumping thing. There are times when I am not sure even how to use the pole. Or maybe I've dropped or lost my pole. Sometimes, even when I think I DO have it figured out, I get too cocky and slip up during my final approach, falling flat on my butt... flying into the bar... or soaring beneath it. And the worst part (okay, maybe not worst but sometime frustrating part) is that I'll put my knowledge and skills up against that bar over and over and over again. But I've learned that an Olympian doesn't stop when they finally make it over the top and neither do we. True growth comes from the doing, from the continual work and effort put forth in achieving more than we previously thought ourselves capable of. According to Elder Eyring, "...The message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is that we can and must expect to become better as long as we live” (Henry B. Eyring, “Our Perfect Example,” Ensign, Nov 2009, 70–73).

But back to the bar... to the ideal. I've struggled with this. Many of us have. How do we teach the "perfect" family without excluding those from non-traditional homes? How do we encourage and celebrate motherhood without making single or childless women feel like they don't belong? How do we teach the importance of following priesthood leaders (in home or church) to those who have been abused by them? Sometimes (remember natural me?), I want to take an axe to the poles holding up that bar! I even expressed my "frustrations" (okay... let's call a spade a spade... my "fire raging mad emotions") to my Bishop.

How can I feel like I'm succeeding when the words of my apostles and prophets make me feel like I am failing?

Can I just say that I happen to be blessed with the most "bishopy bishop" ever? (Thanks Amber, for the phrase). Meaning he is AWESOME!!!! I know not everyone is so blessed and believe-you-me I've had my fair share of un-bishopy bishops, but I am grateful to have this particular one at this particular time in my life. But I digress... we'll save following, not fighting with the priesthood for another day. (Sheesh! I'm so easily distracted today!).

Back to the bar. So I emailed my B all of my heartfelt concerns and he responded with his cell phone number (bless his heart!). With trepidation I dialed his number and said, "Hey. It's me. You wanted me to call?" I expected almost anything but what I got... love and understanding. Then I received his wisdom. It's a bit too long of a conversation to transcribe here (and I'm not sure that he'd appreciate that anyway), but he shared with me a couple of points I feel the need to pass on. Please note... I am paraphrasing... this is what I gleaned from the conversation... not his exact words.

1. The bar is set high to give us something to reach for. The other day I was watching Mythbusters--a favorite past time of mine--when a Myth-tern made the comment about her fearless leader Jamie. "He's a good teacher. He knows me and he knows what I'm good at and what I'm not. So he'll give me assignments just out of my reach, explain what he wants, and then leave me to work it out on my own. He knows that's what I need to learn." WOW!!! It was a crazy AHA moment for me. Isn't that just like our Heavenly Father? He sets the ideal high in order to teach us and help us grow. We must have a goal to shoot for otherwise, being the flawed mortals that we are, we'd be content to stay the same or, worse, digress.

2. We only fail when we stop trying. It can be SO incredibly frustrating to continually reach for that ideal and to miss it over and over and over again. Take my dead horse, infertility, for example. Or my recent battle with anger. Both things seemingly beyond my control. Bars that are WAY TOO FAR for me to ever reach. But are they? Bishop counseled that the Lord doesn't expect us to get it right the first time or even the second. Remember point 1? This life is an opportunity for growth. As long as we are searching for the answers, doing everything in our power to move forward--practicing that particular high jump over and over and over again--we are on the right path.

I loved ESN's comment from Anger & God, "I am no expert. But it seems to me, just the fact that you are thinking about these things together (God and anger and how to deal with it) that you are on the right track. A lot of people have anger and don't even try to find a solution or resolution."

In essence, we only fail when we stop trying to find His way... which is often different from our way.

3. Ultimately, Christ will make up for anything we lack. And there is the key. Our Savior, Jesus Christ. We can practice our high jumps from sunrise to sunset to sunrise. We can think we have perfected, reached, surpassed a specific challenge. We can stand on our own Olympic podium and think, "I have finally made it." But the truth is that we'll always need the Savior and His atonement. He's is our coach, our trainer, our judge and our friend. He's the cheering audience whose presence and joy is greater than an entire stadium full of excited fans. He's the one who will pick us up when we fall or carry us over the bar when we need it. He won't ever lower the standard, but He will show us how to work with the standard. To be true to ourselves and the ideal. He loves us and He will never leave us. It is us who chooses to leave Him.

The bar, as annoying and frustrating as it can be when viewed through mortal eyes, is not meant to destroy us or to stand as a witness of all our imperfections and failings. It's simply a goal for us to reach for. The motivator to become a more whole and complete spiritual being. And regardless of our circumstances, through Jesus Christ we can be shown the way to wholeness... the way to not just reaching, but exceeding the bar.

Our paths may be different, but we can still stand together in eternity, sons and daughters of God perfected in Christ.

Anger & God

2010-08-24T11:47:00.004-04:00

This should be brief because I'm not an expert. Well, I'm an expert at being angry but not in figuring out how anger effects my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I'm still working on it.

Anger and God seem to be a tricky combination. Aren't we taught in church to turn the other cheek, frankly forgive, pray for our enemies, and love God with all our heart, might, mind and strength? Even President Monson teachers that "If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry." But what happens when we don't feel that compassion for our abusers or that gratitude for really sucky trials? What happens when, instead of feeling love for our perfect and eternal Father, we feel anger to the extreme? What do we do when, despite our best efforts, we feel the pain, anguish and molten hot anger from having lived through terrible experiences?

Me? I feel guilt, shame and confusion. Although I recently learned that anger--the emotion--is okay (check out Living with Anger... another post of mine from Brain Vomit), I don't feel like I am getting the same message from our church. An LDS counselor told me that "it's okay to be angry with God as long as you talk to Him about it." Is that true? Can I be angry and still be a good Latter-day Saint? Where is the balance?

I want so badly to be validated in my feelings. For leaders to say, "Yes! You can feel angry that you were abused or that you were hurt or that a specific miracle was not brought forth when you needed it. That's okay. But, as you feel your anger, talk to your Father about it. Work with your Savior to better understand your anger and the deep hurt and grief behind it. Then ask for the atonement to strengthen you and help release you from the bondage of your past... a past that was beyond your control." Am I asking too much? Am I not understanding?

What do you think? How do we acknowledge the complexity of our anger and also follow the admonitions of the scriptures and our leaders?

LDS ≠ "Missionary Position"

2010-08-23T16:05:00.004-04:00

I think sex is something we don't often talk about in our church. Sure, we discuss chastity, fidelity, fornication, etc, but we don't usually discuss the act itself... S-E-X. For many of us this three letter word brings with it feelings of excitement (over the forbidden) and fear (over the unknown). We get married and then, suddenly, all parts of each other and all urges we've been denying ourselves for years are suddenly free game. For some this is a tricky road to navigate, which I'll discuss another time in "The Virgin Married." However, today my thoughts turn to those who have been married for some time and wonder if something is missing in the bedroom.

Let's just get one thing out of the way at the start. IT'S NOT LIKE THE MOVIES. There. I said it. Love making at home is not what you see on TV with all the rolling around in the sheets (or maybe I just haven't learned that trick yet). Instead, though it can be steamy and sensual, sex is also incredibly sweet and tender. In my marriage, it has been a means of not only recreational fun, but of bringing my husband and I together and strengthening our bond--a physical manifestation of "two becoming one."

During many of my girls nights sex has often been a hot topic. It seems a safe place to ask questions and get ideas or feedback. Can you imagine asking the RS sisters at church what an orgasm feels like because you're not sure if you've had one? I can't. But sometimes those questions go through our heads and our hearts. I have several friends who, after years of marriage, had still never climaxed. They wondered what was wrong or thought maybe sex wasn't supposed to feel good. I think we all have questions or thoughts regarding what sex is or should be. Then we wonder if we should even be having those kind of thoughts. Can I be LDS and want amazing sex between myself and my partner? Can it be exciting? Can sex be more than just a means to procreation? Am I meant to feel good during lovemaking? The answer to all of those questions is yes!

If you are one OF THE MANY women feeling uneasy in the bedroom, I hope you'll find the following helpful. They seem to be the same pieces of advice I hear over and over when girls open up about their concerns. Also, overall, allow me to recommend And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson for an in depth and tactful look a sex in marriage.

So... quick tips on improving your experience during sex:

1-Give yourself permission. If you already have this one down, head to step 2. If not, realize that before you can begin to enjoy sex you need to give yourself permission to like it. Sex feels good! Orgasms can be amazing! Touching each other can be wonderful and relationship building. Give yourself permission to like any and all of these things without feeling like you're doing something wrong. Give yourself permission to have sex even if you're not trying to conceive. Give yourself permission to make mistakes in the bedroom or "look the fool." It's not easy to open ourselves up so completely with another human being. We worry what they might be thinking or if they're going to like what we do. Give yourself permission to try, fail and then try again. Practice makes perfect! And this is one instance in which I LOVE to practice. :)

2-Talk and ask questions. To some it may seem weird, but IT'S OKAY to talk before, during and after sex. How will your spouse know what you like if you don't tell him? I usually choose during. If he's doing something that feels good, I let him know right away. I WANT him to do it again! If it doesn't feel good, I let him know that too so he will stop. He talks to me as well. Actually, most of the time I ask him questions like "Does that feel good?" or "Is there a different way I can do x, y, z to make it feel better?" Talking during sex does not have to be weird. It can actually be very rewarding when both of you find joy in the experience through communicating your needs and wants... just don't start talking to him about grocery lists or what Johnny did at school today. Keep the chatter related to the intimacy that both of you are sharing.

TIP: Before you just jump in to talking during love making (especially if you've never done it before), you might want to sit down with your sweet hubby and give him a heads up. You don't want to scare him off by suddenly changing routine! If you BOTH are uncomfortable talking about the dreaded S-E-X, refer to And They Were Not Ashamed.

3-Experiment. This means trying new things... not necessarily crazy or exotic things. Remember sex is NOT dirty, but that doesn't mean that it can't be fun. How "interesting" you make your lovemaking is between you and your spouse. If you don't feel comfortable doing something, TELL HIM and then stick to your guns. You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right. Also, be open so he can say the same to you. If he expresses that he doesn't like a certain position or activity, don't get your feelings hurt. Instead, focus on what you BOTH like so the experience can be a positive one.

TIP: Experimentation does not equal porn. You can try different positions, different times (I love sex in the middle of the night... somehow being half asleep heightens the senses), being spontaneous instead of planned, a new location, role playing, telling stories, or more. Worried about crossing a line with church guidelines? Pray about it and, again, don't do anything unless both partners are comfortable with it.

4-Ask for help. There are several resources available for strengthening the sexual relationship in marriage. And They Were Not Ashamed is just one I happen to really like. I also use my girl friends... the ones I can count on to be discreet, that is. I ask them what works for them or what positions they've used and liked. I've asked several about sex in the shower. I mean, really, how does that work?!? I've asked about role playing, activities, lingerie, etc. Have I used everything they've recommended? No. I take the ideas back to my husband and we TALK about what we'd like to try. I've even learned some pole dancing (for bedroom purposes only)! My friends have been an invaluable resource for one, learning that I'm normal (not every lovemaking session is all fireworks and cannons) and two, finding ways to make it more wonderful.

TIP: BEFORE you going sharing your bedroom exploits with your friends, I'd encourage you to chat that with your husband first. Ask him if he's comfortable if you share some of the things you've learned with others. And remember, it's not about announcing to the world what you do or do not do in the bedroom... I'm talking about close women friends who you can trust and who trust you.

5-Remember... it gets better. That was the nugget of wisdom an aunt gave me on my wedding day. She said, "Deb, you're not gonna have it all figured out and after the first few times you're gonna think, 'This is it!?! This is what I've been waiting for?!?' Just remember, it gets better. I pass the same advice to you. As you give yourself permission to like sex and to have not just good but GREAT sex... as you communicate with your husband, try new things and, when needed, ask for help... it does get better.

Being LDS does not mean we are consigned to a reality in which sex is a must for having kids. Instead, the Lord has given us this great blessing that, when shared between a husband and wife within the bonds of marriage, can be an incredibly powerful tool for building love and strengthening relationships. Sex is not dirty; nor is it so clean that you can't have fun. It is sweet, tender, and a gift from our Father who loves us and, as with all gifts, should be enjoyed.

What are your thoughts?

Priesthood Blessings... Some things I never knew

2010-08-12T08:33:00.000-04:00

I was passed this talk by, let's be honest, my bishop after a conversation in which I indicated I didn't fully understand priesthood blessings. I think it might be easier for men who grow up learning about this stuff and participating in the priesthood. For girls, or at least for me, we receive one or two lessons a year regarding the priesthood and it all feels kind of abstract. We learn that we can ask for blessings and we talk about who can give them and even that it is the power to act in God's name, but that's it. End of story. Maybe that is really all there is too it, but I am left wondering...

How is a priesthood blessing different than prayer?
If priesthood blessings are based on faith and the Lord's will, what does it mean when I do not receive the healing I've been asking for?
Do I have to remember every word of the blessing in order for it to be valid?
What if the priesthood giver doesn't say exactly the right thing?
How many times can I ask for a priesthood blessing? Is just once supposed to be enough? What if I feel I need more than that?

I hope you will take a moment to read Healing the Sick by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. It may not answer ALL my questions, but it was a huge help in many ways. Feel free to point me to any other resources... I am thinking I should make this a personal study topic for awhile... maybe when my faith study is complete.

Please know that although I may not understand the priesthood in its entirety, I do have a testimony of its power and hope that I can adjust my heart so that I, like the family in Elder Oaks's talk, can say, "Our family’s faith is in Jesus Christ and is not dependent on outcomes."

What questions are in your heart regarding priesthood blessings? Maybe you have some answers or insight that you could share?

3 Blessings of Belonging to the LDS Church

2010-08-10T17:17:00.002-04:00

As I sat in a trauma group listening to all the stories I felt like I was suffocating. We were talking about self soothing. Most, if not all of us, are plagued with nightmares. The kind that make you wake up screaming or worse, keep you locked inside until someone else can help you reach the surface of reality. Trauma survivors handle this type of experience in many different ways--from hiding in a "safe" location to managing the emotional pain with the physical pain of self harm and everything in between. The group leader was trying to help us learn positive ways to sooth instead of falling back on unproductive techniques and habits. To many of the women, this idea was completely foreign. One even commented, "I've never been held in my life. I don't know how to console anyone, let alone myself."

I wanted to jump up right there and throw my arms around her! I can show you what a hug feels like! I cried in my heart. But this was a "non-touch" environment (for good reason) which, for a hugger like myself, might as well have been a straight jacket.

Other women nodded in agreement. They didn't have loving fathers, mothers, siblings, spouses or friends to which they could turn for help. They didn't have a "community" to support them. They didn't have faith uphold them. They were utterly and completely alone.

I cried.

And then I thought about three things I had via my membership in the LDS faith that my friends in group did not: an incredibly supportive community, knowledge that I am a child of God, and faith in the atonement of Christ to help bear my burdens.

Community
We sometimes take for granted the amazing community that is "built-in" to our membership in the church. Some of my fellow survivors were lamenting the loss of friends who moved away. They wondered where they would find new friends and how they would build a new support system. I just kept thinking, "church." When I moved from Utah to Maryland I wasn't concerned about finding a congregation for my faith. I simply put in my address and, voila!, I knew where the church was, who my leaders were and what time I needed to be there on Sunday. My first Sunday in my new ward was spectacular! The members were so friendly and welcoming; and while I realize that some wards are less than spectacular, I know based on experience that there is always at least ONE person with whom I can connect. Maryland was exemplary.

I thought about the women I'd met in my ward who have been instrumental in helping me to heal. It's not that they've had all the answers, but that they've loved me as-is. They haven't judged me based on my experiences. They made it easy to share the pain in my life and they gave me love and support in return. I thought about my bishop and priesthood leaders that have blessed both my husband and me. I thought about my co-leaders in the YW… women I never would have met except for this calling. All of them cheering for me and reminding me that I am worth it! How does the rest of the world manage without? Obviously most have found away. I am just grateful that the Lord has made that part of my path so easy.

I am a Child of God
One aspect of self soothing is recognizing that we are worth taking care of. It’s difficult to want to find positive outlets when you honestly believe you are worthless. How do you love yourself? It was a popular question for most of us. How do we move past what has happened to us or said about us to believe that we are good enough? In that moment I could see the benefit of an LDS trauma group.

Again I wanted to jump up and exclaim, You are daughters of God, who loves you! And while others have used their agency to harm you, He STILL cares! He KNOWS you are amazing, wonderful, talented and beautiful. But I couldn’t. Rules are rules are rules. I couldn’t tell them what we know. I couldn’t testify of their divine nature and their future potential. Where does one begin to build self worth if not on the foundation of a divine creator who loves us unconditionally? Again, I know it can be done. I am just grateful that, when the negative thoughts intrude upon my mind telling me I am worthless, I can counter them with the words of the Jesus Christ when He said, “that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me” (John 17:23, emphasis added).

The Atonement
Many religions believe in the atonement and I’m not a master of comparative religions to be able to describe the differences. What I do know is that I have a brother, even Jesus Christ, who atoned for my sins in the garden that I might be made whole. And he suffered not just for my sins, but that He might intimately understand the experiences of my life and so be able to provide the exact comfort that I need—the exact and everlasting healing of my heart, mind and soul. While I firmly believe psychology is an incredible tool provided to us for assistance and understanding, it is my faith in Christ that will bring me strength and peace.

Does reconciling abuse and trauma within the teachings of the Church come with its own unique set of challenges and issues? Absolutely! (Don’t get me started on anger & forgiveness). But does that detract from the blessings of living righteously? It does not. You don’t have to be a trauma survivor to need good friends, love from your Heavenly Father, or strength via the atonement of Jesus Christ!

Why waste a second not loving who you are?

2010-08-09T14:40:00.001-04:00

I received the following link from a friend of mine, Rachel, and immediately fell in the love with this song (Freckles - Natasha Bedingfield). I hope you'll take a moment to listen to thy lyrics. As I listened to her story, I found myself thinking about girls and women in general. We are often SO hard on ourselves. So critical of the flaws that only we can see. What is it that keeps us from truly loving ourselves and being accepting of the little things that make us unique? And how do we overcome those hurdles so we can honestly believe that we shouldn't "waste a second not loving who you are."

Thank you, Rachel, for this beautiful reminder of self love. Hope you all enjoy!

Mormon Messages: Motherhood

2010-07-08T21:30:00.007-04:00

I love this message. I think moms need to hear more often that they are doing a great job! You women need to know that even if your babies aren't talking before they crawl or being potty trained at 12 months, you are still awesome moms! Many of the mothers in my life see the piles of laundry, the stacks of dishes, or the trail of toys around their homes and think these are all signs of failure. But I hope you'll believe me when I say I don't see those things. I don't even notice them. Instead I see smiling faces on children who know they are loved. I see brothers and sisters, who though they may fight, also hug and protect each other with greater intensity. I see amazing women--you--fighting a never ending battle to raise your children in righteousness while also fighting Mt. Washmore and the ever dirty dishes. I love you. I appreciate you. And I hope you can see yourselves the way others see you... the way the Lord sees you.

But this message also left me thinking of myself (I know... SO me-centric!) and of the other women who are either unmarried or married without children. Is there solace for us when an apostle of the Lord says that "there is nothing more important in this world than participating so directly [via motherhood] in the work and glory of God"? Where does that leave those of us who, beyond our own control, are unable to be mothers? What is our purpose? And is our lack of children an indication that God does not trust us? I don't seek to take away from the importance of motherhood or to lash out against those blessed to be participants; I only seek to ask the question that is in the hearts of so many women who are close to me. I am childless... what is my purpose? Where do I fit in?

Either way, I truly believe the Lord has provided angels to assist His daughters (ALL of us) and care for His children. I'd encourage you to use them. Allow them to love, support and comfort you. Feel their presence in your life and through them, the love and care of your Father in Heaven.

I love and pray for you always. And even if I may not be a mother in this life, I am still grateful for the children and youth of this world and for those wonderful mothers who care for them so tenderly. Thank you for your example and for, at times, sharing your children with me.

I'd love to hear any insight you may have.

Can we celebrate motherhood while still being sensitive to those who aren't 'participants'? What do you think?

I'm Not the Only One Drowning

2010-07-06T11:56:00.002-04:00

You'll be hearing a lot about girls camp over the next while. I suppose, mostly, it is because I learned SO much while I was there. I always thought girls camp was about "the girls," but I learned last week that I was the one blessed by attending.

During an impromptu morning devotional our stake YW president shared the following story with us...

"Picture yourself laying out on the imaginary lounge chair by the pool (we didn't really have chairs... just the pool). You've painstakingly applied your sun tan lotion, found the optimal angle of the sun, and laid back for what you are hoping will be a relaxing afternoon. As you are laying there, eyes closed, you feel a few water droplets on your skin. The result of some splashing from the nearby pool. You ignore the first few drops but soon a few drops turn into many drops and then into small bombs of water. You can feel your annoyance turn to anger and frustration. How dare this person get you wet, right? Why can't they go play their water games somewhere else? Why can't they be more polite and think about others before themselves? Before you work yourself into actually getting out of your chair the splashing stops and, taking a deep breath, you settle back into your seat. Moments go by and you feel yourself relaxing even further when, suddenly, you become drenched by the serious splashing that has irrupted in the pool. 'That's it!' you think, 'They are going to be sorry!' You bolt out of the lounge chair ready to give the splasher the tongue lashing of their life when you discover the girl in the pool is drowning."

Her point? You never know who might be drowning.

Right now and probably for the last year I have felt like the girl in the pool. Some know I've been drowning, some do not. But that is not my point. For the first time in a long time I reflected back on my time in Relief Society. I thought about all the women who I felt judging me and I thought about how much I judged them in return. I thought about the comments that made me angry and the words that should have been left unsaid. And I realized, I don't know which of them might be drowning as well. I have been so focused on myself and my own trials that I have forgotten that others are suffering too. I have forgotten to give them the benefit of the doubt. To respond to their criticism or hurtful remarks with love instead of anger. To remember that, like myself, they too are daughters of God and He loves them just as much as He loves me.

We are sisters, whether we want to accept that fact or not. We all come from the same great family and have the same potential to become queens and priestesses under the Most High God. Our sufferings/trials do not establish one person as more or less worthy than another... more or less loved. Jesus Christ has not asked us to love only those who are kind, but to love and forgive all people.

We don't know the experiences or circumstances that has shaped the life of another woman. We do not understand what makes her tick. And we don't have to. It is not my place to "fix" anyone. That is the Lord's purpose. I cannot control how others think or behave. I can only set my boundaries and then love with the pure love of Christ, regardless of how other women (and men) choose to respond to me.

I may not be lounging on the sidelines, basking in the light of the Son, but I can do what is possible to reach out to those in the pool with me. Maybe together we can keep from drowning and be pulled ashore "to the rock of our Lord." Then maybe, just maybe, we too can bask in the light of the Son.

What do you think? How can we reach out to others, rather than let them drown?

I Know Why God Made Spiders

2010-07-05T12:10:00.001-04:00

I used to wonder this. To me spiders (and all bugs for that matter) must have been created as some type of torture for the human family. However, I learned how wrong I was this past week.

I was at YW girls camp when one of the YW stake leaders asked a group of girls, "How do you know God loves you." There was a myriad of responses but one that has stuck with me the most came from my level 2 YCL (youth camp leader) H.P. She simply replied, "He created flowers." She went on to describe the deep love she has for all types and sizes of flowers. They brought her so much happiness and brightened her day. She said she knew God knew she would love flowers before she ever came to Earth and loved her so much that He created them so she might have joy. I loved her response! God knew she would love flowers and so created them that she might have joy! I had never thought of the Earth or any of God's creations in such a way before.

Later that week sweet H.P. gave her devotional to the rest of the Level 2 girls on the creation. She again talked about the flowers and how much she loved them and how she knew God loved her because He created something He knew she would love. She then bore testimony that every creation--plant, animal, human or insect--was a gift from God to one or more of His children on this Earth. She then mentioned spiders. She may not love them but, "Somewhere there is a little boy who gets so excited when he sees a spider! He just wants to hold it and study it. It makes him happy." And there it was. I could see the little boy smile at the creepy crawly insect as he reaches out his hand to the arachnid. I may not love spiders, but one of God's children surely does and He created that creature because He knows and loves his children.

H.P. left me pondering, "How do I know God loves me?" I wondered what gift of creation was made just for me. And I believe that would be deciduous trees. I know that if I was to be born as some type of fictional character it would be a tree nymph. I LOVE trees. I love watching the leaves blow in the wind, glimmering like thousands of emeralds in the rays of the sun. I felt their absence acutely as I lived in the desert for the past decade and rejoiced in their presence when I moved to the East coast. I know God loves me because He sent me the spouse I have. He knew 9 years ago that I would need this particular person at this particular time to help me through the trials I have right now. God loves me and even though I can't feel it in my heart right now, at least I can see it in all the creation and blessings around me.

So while I may detest spiders, I know that somewhere in the world is someone who loves them and I know my Heavenly Father created spiders just for that specific son or daughter. He wants His children to be happy. He wants to give us gifts. And He wants us to know that we are loved.

How do you know God loves you?

Carinessa - Mach 2!!!

2010-06-26T10:43:00.001-04:00

I am SOOO excited to report that a new and improved garment bottom has hit Distribution. Maybe I'm behind the times, but I thought I'd highlight it anyway. They are really called Carinessa II, but I heard a woman refer to them as Mach 2 and I loved it! This second, more advanced edition of the original Carinessa bottom (which I previously referred to as the "biker short") comes complete with a 3 inch shorter rise, wider waist band, single panel gusset and hemmed bottom instead of lace.

With the shorter rise and new sizing system, they threw out the "petite" option so I was a bit skeptical (I've always bought my bottoms petite so they didn't sit around my armpits) and decided to buy only one pair to test out before committing. I think most of us understand the pain of finding a new size in almost anything, but especially garments! Anyway, I tried them on and fell in LOVE! The fit is perfect for me and feels better than any petite I have ever worn. I love the "no lace" for the extra comfort on my leg and because the garment seems to disappear under my pant. I found the single layer gusset super breathable and much more comfortable. Also, I don't know about you, but on the previous Carinessa it always seemed to be a guessing game of where to put my pad or pantie liner during the oh-so-fabulous (said sarcastically) time of the month. The new design leaves no doubt of optimal placement. And though the fabric is not as breathable as cotton (except the gusset), it is more breathable than the last Carinessa. Overall, I love it for me and my life style and give it an A+++.

I've found my new favorite and look forward to trying it in a full length for the winter months. At least I hope they have it in long... I haven't checked yet. But I'll let you know when I do.

As far as tops go, I've been using a cotton poly round neck for years and am wondering if it is really the best thing for me. I'm considering about trying out the chemise style. Any thoughts?

What is your favorite garment top/bottom and why?

Remember Me

2010-06-24T11:30:00.002-04:00

I was going to post my follow up to judging today, but other thoughts are on my mind. (That's what happens when your brain works like a pinball machine). Last night at the temple President Tingey was speaking about temple work when he related the story of a sister in Africa who was searching for her ancestors. It was 30 years ago and let's just say that written records were more than scarce. If a person wanted to know their genealogy they had to return to the village of their birth and speak with the village elder who had committed his or her family line to memory. So this sister did just that and found as much information she could. She continued her search until she came to a woman who, though not related to her, knew one of her relatives. I think it was an aunt. Anyway, the aunt had died but had left behind a written record of generations of family members. At the very end of the record the aunt had written "remember me." The point President Tingey was making was that the hearts of "our fathers" (our ancestors) are already turned to us, pleading with us to do their work... to "remember me." He went on to say that even though thousands of years may separate some family members from us, though no one on this earth remembers their existences, when we complete temple work these men and women are remembered. Their names are said aloud at baptism, confirmation, initiatory and so on. They are remembered as we we carry their name through the endowment and as we create eternal families in sealings. They are remembered.

My thoughts then turned to our children. Particularly my niece Sarah who is five. I carried a Sarah through the endowment previous to this meeting with President Tingey. That was it. No middle name or last name, just Sarah. I couldn't help but picture my little Sarah with her blond hair and HUGE beautiful eyes! She is so incredibly sweet and shy, but so full of love. I couldn't help but wonder if she will maintain her faith through the trying years of adolescence and early adulthood. Will she stand strong when faced with adversity? Will her quiet faith overcome the shouting of the adversary? I thought about her someday entering the temple on her own and experiencing the wonder and joy that is the temple. I saw her in white, waiting for her eternal sweetheart to take her hand. And then later, I imagined her, holding her own pink card and reading the name and wondering who this woman was, when did she live, what was life like and would she accept the work being done for her. Like our ancestors, I think our children are saying "remember me."

And then there are the adults I know with challenges and circumstances as different as the people. We move through this craziness we call life like bumper cars. Sometimes we may be alone, sometimes our car might get stuck, but most of the time our lives are bumping into the lives of those around us. We may giggle at the bump or we may get annoyed. But, I think, in the end we are just asking for the same thing the aunt in Africa did... "remember me." At least that is what I want, to be remembered. Maybe not by the whole world, but by someone. To know that my life had purpose and meaning. That somehow what I did, who I was, was enough that someone will remember.

But how will I be remembered? Will my sister remember the mean older sister who never wanted to play barbies with her? Or will she remember the older sister who loved her more than life, even if I realized my mistake too late? Will my husband remember the frustration and stubbornness that I normally show? Or will he remember all the times I hugged him for no reason or my comments on his amazingness? Will my friends remember how often I did NOT call to see how they were doing? Or will they remember the long chats at Chik-fil-A or the infrequent movie nights when we laughed so hard we cried or the witches night out? And my young women, what will they remember? That Sister Burns is crazy at times and just a little "off"? Or will they remember my testimony that I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true; that He atoned for our sins and provides us the strength to overcome any challenge, regardless of difficulty; and that both He and our Father in Heaven love us. Will they remember?

Past (ancestors), present (children), future (our legacy)--they seem separate and distinct, but I think really they are all bound together in one long thread of life. As we remember our ancestors we seal them to us. As we remember our children now, we can help ensure (not guarantee) their link later. And as we remember our legacy, we make better choices, drawing us closer to the past and the present. Remember me. That's all the aunt asked of her work. Remember me. That's what the Savior continues to ask of His life. Remember me...

How do you want to be remembered? I'd love to hear from you!

Judge Not

2010-06-21T12:16:00.005-04:00

I was enjoying Sunday School a week or so ago (which is a new phenomenon for me) when our teacher posed the question, "When is it okay to judge?" Squirm. Silence. Squirm some more. She's the kind of teacher who likes to ask the tough or provocative questions and then waits until someone finally answers. Well, time happened to be short that week so she chose to move on but promised we would revisit the question later. Yesterday she kept her promise. We were discussing Samuel and the guidance the Lord gave him when asked to choose Saul's successor from the sons of Jessee. "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). She eased into the question this time, first asking us what this scripture was teaching about judging others. Well that was easy! Don't judge a book by its cover, right? Give others the benefit of the doubt. Look at their heart, not at their appearance. You could just tell the class liked easy questions that had clean and simple answers. But the question arose, how does one "looketh on the heart?" The Lord knows a mans heart, but how can we? I mean, honestly, if I'm walking down the street at dusk and a "sketchy" looking man is coming my way, I'm gonna judge him quickly and move my fanny to the other side of the street! I'm not waiting around to determine what his heart says. This could be wrong of me, but mostly I think it's self preservation.

Looking on the heart isn't as easy as one might think.

A sister shared a story of a convert in a previous ward. The woman, by all appearances, was as rough as they come! She even became so upset during a Relief Society discussion that she actually hit the RS president. Easy to judge that one, right? By their fruits ye shall know them? But it wasn't so easy. The sister returned the following week humbled and saddened by her behavior. The story she related of her own life was tragic and difficult. Taking the steps to be at church and to become a new person had her a million miles away from where she had started. Her progress was astounding. Did it make her actions the previous week okay? No. But the Lord knew her heart. He knew where she had come from and where she was trying to go. And she was seeking Him earnestly and doing her best to repent for the wrong she had done to the RS president.

A friend of mine shared with me a more recent event. She works part-time at a nearby hospital. During one of her shifts a man was laying in a hospital bed awaiting some type of surgery on his arm. Apparently he was a drug user who had shot himself up that night and, much to his dismay, had a severe reaction to the drugs. He was complaining of the pain in his arm and my friend easily decided that he was manipulating the system for more drugs. Eventually he was taken into surgery and later returned to his room. The surgeon and my friend happened to be discussing the case afterwards when the doctor commented, "That man almost lost his arm (due to some reaction in the veins I don't understand and can't explain). He should have been screaming in pain." Needless to say my friend felt bad for having judged this man prior to surgery, but the story doesn't end there. She and the patient eventually became on good enough terms that my friend felt comfortable enough to say, "Now will you stop using drugs. You almost lost your arm." The man instantly broke down crying. He related to her that he had been clean for three years. He even spoke at schools and worked with youth to keep them from using drugs. He sobbed as he said, "Now what will I tell them? How will I face them after falling off the wagon after all this time." A second time she felt the sting of judging him. We all fall. Can we judge others because theirs is more visible?

As much as we want to believe that we can judge righteously, we are often ill equipped to do so. The natural man is quick to jump to conclusions, to see another persons "cover" and make a lasting decision about them. We feel it necessary to protect ourselves, our children, our families, or our faith. Someone who has fallen away from the faith MUST not have done everything correctly, right? They weren't strong enough or good enough to stay among the fold? As a speaker yesterday put things, "Some issues are more complex than we give them credit for. Maybe a great leader could pinpoint the areas in which they could have been stronger, but I am not that leader." And neither am I.

I write all this because it is a weakness of mine that I am trying to rectify. For girls camp our YCLs (youth camp leaders) are asked to pick a Christ-like quality, study it in the scriptures, and then seek to emulate the quality. I chose judging. When Christ was on this earth He said, "I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness. And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world" (John 12:46-47, emphasis added). (He does explain in verse 48 that the WORD will judge the people... so people will be judged according to their righteousness... just in case you were wondering... I'm not preaching anarchy).

I, Debbie, was not put on this earth to judge others, but to come unto Christ and to share His light with all those around me. While I may not have the mission of Christ to "save the world," I can be like Him by looking upon my fellowman with charity instead of judgement. To give them the benefit of the doubt. To love them with charity or the pure love of Christ. To leave the judging up to the word of God, believing that all things will work out in the next life. I don't and can't know everything about another individual. I don't know what abuse they have suffered, what heart ache the have endured, or even their capacity for understanding in this life. What I can do is seek to love.

The scriptures teach us to "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again" (Matt 7:1-2) or "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:" (Luke 6:37); and, sisters, I want to be forgiven! I don't always react in the right way or say the most correct thing. I am quick to anger and slow to forgive. I get my tongue all tied when I am passionate about an issue and often forget to look at the other person's perspective. I am grateful for the friends and family I have been blessed with who help keep me on track and call me on the carpet when I need it. I am grateful for those who push my boundaries because they either help me learn new things or they strengthen my conviction over the principles I know to be true. Not everyone in this life is "out to get me" as my PTSD self would have me believe. And much too often I should be offering the benefit of the doubt in place of misguided judgement.

However, I ABSOLUTELY believe there are times when righteous judgement is necessary. As mentioned before, we are stewards over ourselves, our children, our families and our faith, and those things must be protected. So with all this discussion of judging not, when is it okay to judge? I leave the question to you. Squirm if you will, but I challenge you to answer the following honestly (if only to yourself). We'll chat it in my next post "If Ye MUST... Judge Righteously."

"When is it okay to judge?"
"How do I make sure I'm judging in righteousness?'

Hold On a Little Longer

2010-06-17T20:38:00.003-04:00

A really awesome home teacher once shared with me the idea that all things fade over time, both the good and the bad. Spiritual highs won't last forever just as painful lows will eventually lose their edge. The trick is to hold onto the good parts for just a little longer and let go of the bad parts as quickly as possible. (Or at least that is what I got out of his lesson). It's important because most of the time I'm focused on the wrong things. I'm so worried about the storm that has been and the storm that is coming that I forget to enjoy the pieces of sunshine in between.

Today I choose to find the sunshine and hold on a little longer.

I have a husband who loves me and, through all my craziness, has decided to hold onto me. His smile is beautiful and I love the sparkle in his eye when he looks at me. It's especially wonderful when he makes me smile because his eyes shine even brighter. He always says, "I can still get you to smile!" I am lucky to have a man who is happy when he is making me happy.

I have an incredible calling that offers me fulfillment. Just yesterday I was out to lunch with one of my young women and I told her of my desire to be the mom of teenagers because I LOVE teenagers. She replied, "You already are! You have about 20 girls!" (or something close to that). It made me feel loved and special. I do have a HUGE family of teenage girls that I absolutely adore. They are beautiful, amazing daughters of God who are trying to be a little better than they were the day before. Watching them grow into young adults is humbling and special. Wow!

I have so MANY supportive and talented women in my life. Women who are strong, educated, courageous and diverse. I especially love their diversity! Their example proves to me everyday that every single woman, with her varying background and personality traits, is a welcome and blessed addition to the gospel of Christ. We are all different with different desires, goals, hobbies and passions. And yet we are the same in our efforts to come unto Christ, to be united with Him and with our Father. I am grateful to these women, my friends, for their patience as I learn who I am now and who I want to become.

I have Mythbusters to remind me that "failure is always an option." Failure is okay! We learn from mistakes and setbacks. It doesn't mean we are failures. Instead it means that we tried and are trying. Only the person who stops trying truly fails.

I am safe.

I am loved (and I can feel it! Not just think it).

And my heart burns with love for my Father in Heaven, my Savior, and my fellow human beings.

Despite the storms that rage inside, threatening to bash me against the rocks, right now I can hold on a little longer to the sunshine I know I've had. To the few rays that burn through the boiling storm clouds. And to the hope that after the storm, I'll see the sun again.

What is your sunshine? What can you hold onto for a little longer?

Coming to Grips with PTSD

2010-06-09T16:01:00.004-04:00

I am trembling as I write this post. Trembling because I don't know if I'm ready to write again or afraid that I should have written sooner. I have missed being here and interacting with so many wonderful women. I have missed sharing my thoughts and fears and missed receiving inspiration from your insights and experiences. I have missed you. I really, really have.

The last few months have been painful and difficult and, unfortunately, I know the journey isn't over. But at least I feel like I can write again and that, in and of itself, is a gigantic hurdle for me. I have been grappling with the not-even-close-to-tangible side effects of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It's a disorder that is as different as the individuals who suffer from it. Wiki (I love Wiki) says that PTSD "is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma... overwhelming the individual's ability to cope. As an effect of psychological trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more enduring than the more commonly seen acute stress response." I should have looked up the definition over a year ago when I was first diagnosed. It might have changed my expectations to be able to cope with life and to be "all better" in just a few short months. Instead, I have berated myself for feeling so out of control and for taking so long to recover. The last few months have been the worst. But thankfully, through my husband, friends, doctor, and ultimately the Lord, I am finally feeling a little more myself again.

PTSD is interesting in how it effects the individual. Like I said, it manifests itself differently in different people. For me it has meant nightmares, social alienation, memory loss, decreased cognitive abilities, hypervigilance, and an emotional severing in most of my relationships (meaning I can feel my love going out but I can't feel any love coming in). I am relearning things I've taken for granted, like recognizing the Spirit, studying the scriptures, understanding social cues, how to love and be loved and general thought processes. My mind tends to go blank a few steps into a sentence and then I freeze, embarrassed that a once eloquent English major can't even remember the word for that-one-thing-that's-hot-and-is-used-to-flatten-(I mean) press-clothes (aka "iron"). Sometimes I can't even remember what we were talking about--not just a word but the whole point of our conversation. I find myself apologizing A LOT for my brain not working. Those who don't know may give me a funny smile and make a comment about getting older. But I know. I know the real reason why things have stopped working, or why I can't do more than a couple things at a time, or why even the smallest tasks seem like climbing Mt. Everest. And to tell the truth, it terrifies me. I'm told that someday everything will come back. Someday I'll be okay. But as time continues to pass and I don't see huge leaps of progress, I do worry. What if it doesn't come back? What if I'm never the same again? What then?

Those questions used to make me angry. Heavenly Father and I used to have many heated discussion over this topic. Actually, I was heated and He simply listened and loved. I screamed and cried and begged, but nothing changed. I was still broken. Life didn't make sense. And I felt like God couldn't hear me.

Then something did change. I think it was about the time I started reading He Did Deliver Me from Bondage (I'll find the reference for you), a book that follows the AA Twelve Step program using the Book of Mormon for support. Somewhere in the midst of reading, studying and trying to understand a little tiny switch flipped. It wasn't a save-the-world type of switch. It was so small I almost missed it. I experienced a subtle, almost unnoticeable change of heart. During some moment I can't pinpoint I realized that I needed to pray for love for my Heavenly Father, my Savior and for myself because, if I was being honest, I was angry with all of the above. And so I prayed. I asked for the pure love of Christ to enter my heart and help me to love my Father and His Son. To feel toward each being how they felt toward each other and me. I asked also that I could somehow love the person I was, this person I'd become. That I might have patience with her and not hate her for being broken and afraid.

I won't tell you that it worked miracles right away or that suddenly everything was okay, because it didn't and it wasn't. The love was small at first and sometimes only lasted a few seconds after prayer. But, overtime, the love has grown stronger and with it my testimony that God loves me and He cares. As I learned to love again I noticed other changes. My depression improved and my panic attacks became fewer and farther between. I could feel my husband's love for me again and I could understand his concern for my well being. I felt the Spirit more often, gaining more insight during scripture study and church meetings. My outlook shifted and the future looked a tiny bit brighter.

Monday, returning home from D.C., I was ascending out of the metro on a long escalator. The station is very deep in this particular place and the ride out is a long one. I happened to glance up from the darkness where I stood and I saw the light of the afternoon sun. It was beautiful. And then the thought bounced through my brain, "It's the light at the end of the tunnel and, for the first time, I know it's not a train!" I am still crawling out of the darkness, trying to ascend from the madness of past trauma. It's not easy and I still have a very long way to go. But I am improving in baby steps. I am learning that PTSD isn't a cold that I can choke down a few Wellness pills to make go away. Nope. It'll be around for awhile and I'm learning to accept the "me" I am right now instead of asking why I can't be the "me" from before.

A favorite quote of my goes "It is useless to think about what I would do if things were different. They are not different." I am who I am right now. We all are. We can compare ourselves to past versions or future ones--we can beat ourselves up for not being better or pat ourselves on the back for who we think we might be tomorrow--but it does not change who we are right now. And right now, we are daughters (and sons) of a Heavenly Father who loves us, regardless of our choices, our trials, or our abilities. So I have to relearn my vocabulary. So I can only manage a couple of projects instead of the several I used to be able to complete under pressure. So I am awkward (and often afraid) in large crowds. That is who I am and if I don't accept it, I won't be able to learn from it.

I guess the short version (too late) is that I'm back. No apologies (that's a whole other post). No excuses (unless you count the above, which I don't). Nothing but me and the opportunity to share as I have always loved doing with you.

I've missed you, my friends, and I am glad to be back.

Apologies

2010-01-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

Some personal trials have exploded in my life recently and I am finding it harder to keep up with my blogging. So far my posts have been hit and miss as I've struggled to keep up with the seemingly endless challenges that are flooding through my gates at the moment. I share this with you for two reasons...

1. I want you to know that I am still absolutely committed to Cheer and Bless even if my presence wanes for a few weeks. I LOVE having this site and being able to interact with all the wonderful women who visit here. You have blessed me with so much strength. I love you and look forward to picking our conversation up again soon.

2. If there are any readers who have articles or experiences they would like to share, I would love to post them! Just send me a copy to cheerandbless@gmail.com. I am always on the lookout for some great guest posts!

Again I love you and hope to be able to return to a regular schedule soon. (Just as soon as I can find my brain... I know I left it around here some place!)

7 Tips for Finding a Great Counselor

2010-01-14T09:35:00.001-05:00

(For simplicity, I’m going to refer to psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists and counselors as “counselors” throughout the following and I’ll switch back and forth between “his” and “her.”)

1. Ask for recommendations.
These can come from family members, friends or any other trusted individual. Make sure they have actual visited the counselor. Just being a member of someone’s ward does not make them a great counselor. Also, ask your physician. My current primary care physician (PCP) referred me to the best counselor I have ever had. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I LOVE my PCP. I trust him and he understands my needs.

2. Talk with the staff.
After making a list of possible counselors, start calling. When working with a counselor you need to realize you are also working with his staff. Is the staff friendly, helpful, kind? Do they return calls promptly if you have to leave a message? Are they discreet? When struggling with mental/emotional health issues the last thing you need is a rude, uncaring secretary on the other end of the phone. Seriously, if you don’t like the staff, walk!

3. Ask about her area of specialty.
I had NO idea that different psychologists and counselors specialized in different areas until recently. Wish I had known that years ago! Sure, an all-in-one could probably help you with whatever, but why not see a specialist—someone who has years of experience handling your specific concern? Areas of specialty can include family and marriage counseling, trauma counseling, addiction counseling and more. Some staff will tell you their doctor “takes care of all of it.” For me, this wasn’t good enough. I pushed until I found someone who specialized in trauma counseling. I had seen a “general” counselor before and knew I needed more.

4. Ask about his credentials.
Don’t be afraid to ask about a counselor’s credentials. What degrees does he have? What licensures? What experience has he had over the years? This can be VERY uncomfortable. For whatever reason we don’t want to question the guy sitting across from us looking all official. If you feel that way, look into some medical websites. Many of the insurance websites are now including background on doctors and not just their name and phone number. You can see where they went to school, which hospitals they’ve interned at, and what type of certifications they hold. I like to ask these questions in person because I like to see how my counselor handles himself. If he gets defensive I’m not in the right place. I like someone who is going to be open and upfront.

5. Ask about her approach to counseling.
Sounds weird, doesn’t it? What does “approach” even mean? Don’t you just sit on a couch and tell your story while they jot in a notebook? No! Different counselor’s have very discernable differences in the way they handle counseling. Example time.

I counseled with a gentleman in the past who was all about himself. He was constantly interrupting me to give me one page essays he had written—words that were supposed to lift and inspire. He was also very pushy. He believed it was his job to fix me. At one point, when I told him I wasn’t ready to explore certain aspects of my childhood, he became frustrated and angry explaining that I would never be okay until I faced those fears. Needless to say that was our last appointment.

During my first appointment with my current counselor, he explained that he wasn’t here to fix me because I didn’t need to be fixed. I, personally, wasn’t broken. My mind was simply wounded and needed the opportunity to heal—like getting a cut on my hand. The PCP didn’t need to watch the wound 24X7 for it to heal. Instead he puts on antibiotics, bandages the hand, and then lets my body heal itself. That’s how this counselor saw his role. He gives me the tools for my mind to heal itself. The other part of his approach I loved was his “don’t ask, don’t tell.” He would never ask me anything invasive and I never HAD to tell him anything I didn’t want to. I could tell him, if I wanted, but I didn’t have to. It wasn’t necessary for the healing. He only asked that, when ready, I did share my feelings with someone I trusted. To him, that was success.

I hope that helps you see what I mean about approach. The same counselor is not the best for every individual. Find someone who fits with your needs and your style of medicine and healing. It’s worth the headache of interviewing several counselors.

6. Feel comfortable or walk away.
Sharing your innermost feelings and fears is scary! You worry about what you should or shouldn’t say. Are they judging you? Are you going to be dissected? My biggest fear was, “What if he can’t help me? What if I’m going to feel like this forever?” When struggling with all these emotions, plus the added stereotype that we shouldn’t need counseling if we’re normal (See “I’m Off to See the Wizard” for myth debunking), visiting a counselor becomes extremely difficult. One wrong move and were ready to write the whole counseling thing off forever!

My friend Mary (you’ll find almost all my friends are called Mary), visited a counselor after months of dread. She finally met with someone who sounded very nice, but after one visit she went screaming for the hills? What happened? He touched her. Nothing inappropriate. Just a gesture of human kindness saying he was listening and he understood. However, he wasn’t aware that she absolutely did NOT like to be touched by anyone in anyway. His touch instantly triggered all those emotions and she vowed never to return to counseling again. And she hasn’t. She so desperately needs it, but she can’t get past her one experience to see the benefits that a great counselor could provide.

Don’t be Mary. I’m not saying you have to stay. It’s okay if you don’t like a certain counselor! Walk away. But if one counselor doesn’t work out, try another. Find someone who fits you, who you feel comfortable with. Be vocal. This is your mental health. Own it.

7. Finally, being Mormon does NOT obligate you to visit LDS Family Services for counseling.
If you have been there and like it, that’s awesome! If you feel that is the right place for you, call them! But if the thought of being judged on a mental and spiritual level scares you, don’t feel bad for choosing an alternative (not that they are judging you... that's just how I felt). I chose "not" because some of my issues were tied to feeling like an outcast among the fold. At that moment in my life I didn’t need someone telling me to read my scriptures more. I found someone who didn’t judge my spirituality. He was the Switzerland of religion and I loved it. He never berated or commented on my beliefs nor did he ever tell me I wasn’t doing enough in my religion. I like the Switzerland approach. I hate on myself enough for not keep up with the spiritual Jones, I don’t need anyone else doing it for me. (And when your faith is shaky, you also don’t need someone who believes religion is “an opiate for the masses.” You don’t want them further condemning your faith because that won’t help either.)

There is a LOT of great information on the web about choosing a great counselor. (Google “choosing a counselor.”) These are just a few of the many tips available—the ones that worked for me. Find what works for you.

Just remember, the first step always begins with choice. Choose to give yourself the gift of mental healing and then follow it up with the time and energy of choosing a great counselor. You are worth it! Don’t settle for second best.

What do you think? Any suggestions you would add?

I’m Off to See the Wizard (debunking myths about counseling)

2010-01-12T10:24:00.005-05:00

Some days I feel like the Scarecrow searching for a brain. I’d really like my brain, but, at this point, any brain will do. As I think about it, maybe I’m more a crazy hybrid of the Scarecrow, Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion (not the Tin Man because I know I already have a heart… it’s been hurting quite a bit lately). Somewhere inside I’m a lost little girl in piggy tails just trying to find my way back home while simultaneously trying to remember where I put my brain and my courage. And while I know “the wizard” may be the only person in Oz that can help me, for some reason everyone else is afraid of him. We have this impression that he is some big, scary floating head instead of the wise and helpful “man (or woman) behind the curtain.” In fact, we are so fearful of anything relating to “wizard magic” that even the subject of visiting “the wizard” is strictly taboo. Only crazy people with witches chasing them see the wizard, right?

Wrong.

The truth is that many people from many different circumstances need counseling (in one form or another) throughout their lives. My first experience with counseling came about one and half years into my marriage. I was struggling with my identity (everyone knew Debbie S. but no one knew Debbie B.), reconciling my abusive childhood and abandonment issues, trying to fit in with my new parents-in-law, and wilting in an oppressive work environment. Throw infertility into the mix and my husband had one unbalanced wife on his hands. I needed help. He knew and I knew it. But I was scared.

Fast forward several years to 2008. I became (unwillingly) the victim of a crime, not once, but twice. (Details are irrelevant and too raw to share at this time. Hopefully in the near future, but I’m making no promises.) Again I was “forced” to seek counseling. Not by my husband or loved ones, but by the need to feel safe again. I didn’t have the tools necessary to cope with the trauma of the event. It was too much for both my husband and I. Again, I was frightened by the prospect of sharing my story with a stranger.

Finally, we arrive at this week. I head once more to a new doctor in a new state. Let's just say I received some not-so-good news and, though states away from the incident, I find I need help coping with the repercussions. And yet again, I am nervous for my first appointment.

I have often wondered why there is so much fear associated with seeking counseling. Some of it, I believe is the natural anxiety that comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with another human being, especially when this human is a stranger. I believe that is what I am feeling right now. It’s not easy opening up to or sharing our “issues” with others. The other “some” is due to the myths and judgments that surround counseling and those who seek it. Those are the items I'd like to debunk today.

Myth: Only wack-a-doodles seek counseling.
Truth: Many sane, wonderful, normal people seek counseling all the time.
Concerns can range from finances, communication issues and phobias to past abuse and severe trauma. Understanding you need some extra help to cope with life doesn’t mean you’re crazy, it means your conscious of the fact that life is hard and you don’t have all the answers. It is OKAY to talk to someone whenever we need or want to. Even if you don’t realize it, speaking with the bishop is a form of counseling!

Myth: I should be able to take care of it (whatever “it” may be) on my own because seeing a counselor means I’ve failed.
Truth: The Lord gives each of His children different strengths and expects us to utilize each other.
Doctrine and Covenants 46:11-12 teaches, “For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.” None of us “has it all,” including the answers. It’s not the Lord’s way. He expects us to not only use our talents and knowledge to bless others, but to allow others’ talents and knowledge to bless us.

Think about it like baking bread for the first time. Usually we have NO idea where to start. What tools do we need? What ingredients? How long should this step take and what should it look like? I don’t know about you, but I called someone who had the answers! And if I’m so nice to my bread, doing everything in power to make sure it turns out wonderfully, why not be so good to myself? In life, we don’t have all the answers. We try to duplicate what we’ve seen, but what happens if our model was broken or destructive or abusive or non-existent? We have the right to speak to someone who knows the steps, the ingredients and the tools to help us be successful in life!

Myth: Reading my scriptures and praying should be able to “fix” the problem.
Truth: Scripture study and prayer are only the first steps to the greater solution.
While scripture study and prayer open us up to the promptings of the spirit and do allow for healing, there are times when outside assistance is necessary. I’d like you to think about two scenarios. First, our appendix ruptures. Do we immediately open the scriptures or drop to our knees? Maybe you do, but I tend to call 911 or head to the emergency room. There I rely on tests, x-rays, and surgeons to find and alleviate the problem. I utilize the expertise and tools of others to provide a solution that will allow for the greatest recovery in the least amount of time. Added to that will be my prayer and, hopefully, the prayers of others that these professionals will be blessed in their endeavors. We don’t worry that we have failed when we head to the hospital. We aren’t shunning the surgeon’s expertise because we believe our faith will heal us. No, we combine our faith with the skills of professionals to make us whole again.

Second scenario, our car breaks down on the side of the road. This time I will immediately turn to the Lord in prayer. I need to know I’ll be safe while I wait for assistance. I remember breaking down without a cell phone at one time. I had no way of calling my loved one, so I “called” my Heavenly Father. He answered by sending my husband home early via that same route. I was saved! But my car still had issues. No amount of prayer or scripture study was going to fix the smoking engine. So ultimately, the car was towed to a mechanic shop so a skilled professional could correctly diagnose and offer solutions for the problem. (Side Note: Okay, I’ll admit that the Lord provides miracles when we need them. If I needed it, He could and would have fixed my engine. But He knew I had access to alternative routes and so blessed me with the financial means to pay a repair man.)

Isn’t a psychologist, counselor, therapist, etc. both a doctor and a mechanic of the mind? He or she is simply a skilled professional who can help us, in combination with our faith, correctly diagnose the issue, find answers to our concerns and provide the tools necessary for a complete and speedy healing.

Myth: Other saints will judge me if they know I am seeing a counselor.
Truth: Some will judge you (Bet you didn’t see that one coming!), I can’t promise they won’t. But you will find that a greater number of our brothers and sisters will be supportive of your choice!
Many, you will discover, have been to counseling as well. We are more common than some may believe. Others will ask questions and seek advice. Your example will bless them to reach out to a counselor when they might have normally struggled through on their own. It takes courage to stand as a witness for anything that is good and right. This is no different.

Counseling has had a difficult road and a sordid past. It hasn’t always been filled with the knowledge and benefits that it has today. Instead it’s been viewed with mystique and doubt. And while the profession and the general attitude towards it is making progress in leaps and bounds, there are still those who will view counseling and those who seek it as taboo. The trick is to not allow those people to make you hide, but to stand tall and strong knowing you are in the right! (Please note you NEVER have to tell anyone about your choice. EVER. That’s okay! But if you do decide to share, be proud knowing you are doing what is best for you and your family.)

Easier said than done, I know. I have had the experience of close family and friends judging me wrongly or saying harsh things about me because of my choice to seek professional help. During those times, I had at least two people in my corner that helped pull me through—my husband and my Heavenly Father. And He will be there to support you too. (Not my husband, but Father… just in case you were wondering). Gravitate towards those who will support you. Forget those who don't. Know that I will always be here, cheering you on!

I’m not worried about you judging me for following my personal yellow brick road to the “wizard.” I say that because I have a tendency to apologize for things I have no control over… like you judging me. The truth is, for those of you who want to judge, I’m not here for you. Take a flying leap! But for those who have wondered about counseling, who have fretted whether or not you should, I would recommend giving it a try. There are steps you can take to find a great counselor who will be beneficial to you! Don’t be ashamed; don’t feel like you have failed or that if you were a “good Mormon” you wouldn’t have these problems. Those are all feelings being perpetuated by the adversary. He LOVES that you are hurting, confused and in emotional pain. You Father doesn’t work that way. He is a god of love and peace and joy. Those are the things I want in my life. I have the love (thanks to my Father, my husband, my family, and you… my friends). Now I seek for the peace and joy that will come as I combine my faith with the gifts of others. I look forward to my renewed journey down a golden path of healing. I am excited for the little girl to return home, to find my brain, and to renew my courage in facing the challenges of life. I just hope I get to stop in Munchkin Land on the way!!!

What other myths have you encountered that we can debunk together? What questions do you have, if any, regarding counseling? I only have my experiences to draw from, but I am happy to share!

Maintaining HOPE when the lights go out.

2010-01-08T10:33:00.003-05:00

Hope. Can we ever hear too much of it? I can't. I need to be reminded that it exists and it is mine for the taking. I need to be reminded that life is filled with more than heartache, disappointment and pain. I need to know that good things--WONDERFUL things--await me, and not just that they are for "someday," but for today and tomorrow.

It is easy to lose hope. We set it somewhere safe--like with our keys or that all important document--and then, when life gets crazy and we need it "right now," we are so flustered we cannot remember where we placed it. I need to learn to keep hope with me always, wearing it like a helmet against the adversary. Are we not taught to "take the helmet of salvation" (D&C 27:18), which for me in this moment is a willingness to guard my thoughts with the hope of things to come. To not lose myself to despair or fear or the false whisperings of a falser spirit. I need to remember that Lucifer does not wait for me to put on the Armor of God, but waits for me to take it off.

I also need to be reminded that wearing the armor, acting in righteousness, or carrying hope with me always will not make me immune to bad things. People have their agency as I have mine and mortal systems are run by mortal (imperfect) people. Bad things will always happen. Hope will not prevent this, but it will testify of truth and provide the support necessary to carry me through those darker times.

Sisters, regardless of how dark our situations may seem, there is a path that will lead into lighter days. And not just a path, but a personal guide if we will but allow the Savior in our lives. He lives and He loves us! He is our hope when all else seems lost. His miracles have not ceased. As we cry out to Him, He will walk on the water and save us from drowning in the ocean of our despair. We need but have hope.

How do you maintain hope while battling with despair?

We see in color, not black and white. Shouldn't it be the same when we look at each other?

2010-01-06T11:09:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking long and hard about post topics this week. I have SEVERAL lined up, but none seemed appropriate (for yesterday or today). It's like when you're planning a lesson and you get stuck because you're not quite headed in the direction the Spirit wants you to go at the moment. That is how I feel. Like there is something that needs to be shared, but I am missing the key. So I'll share with you what's been weighing heavily upon my mind.

A few days back I read a comment to a Facebook (FB) post which said something to the effect of "to me the gospel is very black and white." He went on to say other things and I feel the original poster made a great reply. She responded, "Gospel truths are simple and constant, how we each interpret them creates huge variables that will never look the same from person to person... All I can encourage you to do is to take your concerns to God, you will get answers that are perfect for you."

And while she dealt honestly and beautifully with this particular person, I still can't shake the thought that there are others in this world that believe the gospel to be "black and white." It messes with me on a very deep level. To say things are black and white is to promote that there is one right and the others wrong. But then, who is right and who is wrong? We are taught, "thou shalt not kill." If black and white, then surely Nephi was wrong in taking up the sword to "murder" Laban. Black and white does not allow things both ways. We are taught "thou shalt not commit adultery" (or fornication). If black and white, where does that leave our members who have been sexually assaulted? I know those are extreme examples, so let's take it down to some basics. We are encouraged to have our husbands work and have wives stay at home. But I believe many would agree that, depending on your circumstance, this is not always feasible nor the best option. Even the family proclamation states that "disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation."

I'm not saying that there is a loop hole to every principle. Willingly participating in sex before marriage is still willingly participating in sex before marriage, no matter how you spell it. And it's wrong. But that does not mean the gospel is black and white. Perhaps some haven't discovered that our world is built in color, including shades of gray. Black and white seems to follow Lucifer's plan. No agency. No will. No seeking the Spirit for personal revelation or adaptation to our circumstances. Nope. We'll all do exactly what he says so we'll all make it home. Yikes!

I know I've been all over the place today, but you can see my mind at work here over this most distressing of concepts. Black and white removes the ability to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. It leads to judging others instead of accepting them with love. It is physically painful to me that this idea continues to find residence in a people whose hearts should be filled with love towards their Father in Heaven, themselves, and others. The Spirit will let us know when and IF we need to make a judgment call. Until that time, why can we not accept that though "gospel truths are simple and constant" we each have the right and ability to recieve direction and personal revelation from the Spirit that may not look like the person next door. The key, then, would be following the Spirit.

Am I completely off base? Is the gospel black and white? Or is there a hint of color?

Pictures of Womanhood: Hope

2010-01-02T09:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Annie,

I know you don’t like figurines or other people buying decorations for you. I know you don’t want to have to dust around another object taking up room on a shelf, but I couldn’t resist. So I hope you’ll forgive me adding to your pain, but you are my Angel of Hope.

I love that she holds up a lantern, like she is lighting the way for those who are lost. I was lost. I was stumbling through the motions of life but not really living. I kept making choices that were practical and dooming. I believed happiness to be a gift for others while I was meant to endure this life, not enjoy it. Then you appeared across the hall from me at Church, standing next to your adorable husband. You looked at me, cocked your head to the side ever so slightly and smiled as you invited me to choir practice. You held up your light and said, “This way, Deb. Come over here. I’ve found your happiness; you just need to come get it.”

I don’t know that you see that in yourself. That everything you say and do encourages those around you to reach for things we thought unobtainable. You give us hope. You show us that dreams are meant to be realized, not to be stuffed in forgotten cupboards or drawers, only to be pulled out during moments of self loathing as we remind ourselves of personal failure. You remind us that are wonderful, talented human beings worthy of love and hope.

I love watching you interact with life! I love the whole gamut of human emotion that plays across your face as you discuss, chat, or exclaim. In my head I picture you almost pixie-like in appearance with your lantern skipping in front of me, showing me where to place my feet. You are ethereal in beauty and spirit and your laugh is a contagious melody of joy. I love your laugh!

You are amazing, Annie! You are an artist. I know you think your medium is limited to canvas or computer or paper or instrument, but you are a shaper of lives. It’s almost tangible the way you reach out and help mold the existence of others by the way you bless and encourage them. A word here or a kind gesture there and we are ready to believe the best of ourselves! We see your light, held high, and we exclaim, “Yes! I can do this! I can be more.”

Oh, Annie. I praise the Lord each day for sending you to me. You are the reason the Lord sent me here. He could have sent us anywhere and we would have listened. But He sent us to Maryland. He sent us to your ward. And He placed me across the hall from you in that very moment. And you listened to the whisperings of the Spirit, who stood next to me saying, “This one. This daughter needs your light, Annie. She needs hope. Will you show it to her?” And you did.

Thank you for being my Angel of Hope. Thank you for believing in my dream to be a writer and for showing me how to make that happen. Thank you for not just lighting my way, but for taking me by the hand to lead me gently forward. I love you so very much, dear friend.

Do you have a woman in your life whom you would like to highlight in Pictures of Womanhood? Now you can!

Email cheerandbless@gmail.com for submission details. Place "Pictures of Womanhood" in the subject line.

Umm… Did I tell you that you are amazing?

2010-01-01T10:38:00.002-05:00

I thought I’d share a quick moment with you in honor of the New Year (seeing as I didn’t leave an ending one for 2009… I was too wrapped up in self pity and New Year’s Eve plans, both of which are over now, lol). Last Sunday I was teaching a lesson on developing talents to a wonderful group of young women. We were discussing why it is so hard for us to see talents in ourselves but so easy to see them in everyone around us when a Laurel shared the following (which she heard from someone else and which I’ll paraphrase).

Recognizing our talents is a lot like wearing a sign on our back and trying to discover what it says. We can easily look at the next girl and see everything written on her sign, but when we look at our own reflections we see nothing.

I have thought and thought about this since her comment (thanks Rachel!). I have wondered what is listed on my own sign (besides “kick me”… just kidding) and I have pondered on how I can better help others see the awesomeness listed on their own. It is so easy to stand in the mirror and judge ourselves harshly. We compare ourselves with others and we criticize our own “short comings.” But the truth is we all have talents, abilities, and blessings. We all have something different to bring to the table. It’s the way the Lord intended it to be.

In Doctrine and Covenants 46:11-12 He teaches “For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby” (emphasis added).

So no one has everthing but everyone has at least one thing so that “all may be profited.” See! He wanted us to complement each other, not be cookie-cutter robots with the same talents, same experiences, same blessings or same challenges. We, each of us, have something important to bring to the table! We are all essential to the Lord’s plan and to His church established on the Earth.

As I look at the women around me and as I interact with those who comment and share on this website, I am AMAZED by your awesomeness! I am blessed and humbled by your talents, experiences and your willingness to share both with me. With everyone. It’s one of the reasons I post a “Pictures of Womanhood” entry each week. One, I want women to know that they are celebrated by others and that they are making a difference in the lives of those around them. And two, I want others to see that women come in different shapes and sizes with varying talents and experiences. There isn’t one “type” of woman that is better than another. There isn’t one perfect mold we should be trying to squeeze into.

Oh Ladies! You are AMAZING! You are wonderful! There are not words enough to describe how incredible each and every one of you are. I hope, as you enter 2010, that you will seek to love yourself more fully—celebrating your talents and strengths as well as accepting (and loving) your weaknesses. It’s okay to not be good at something! It doesn’t indicate failure! Only that we are human. And if it really bugs us, the Lord teaches that “every [woman] may improve upon [her] talent, that every [woman] may gain other talents, yea, even an hundred fold” (Doctrine and Covenants 82:18).

I can see your sign. Its bright, flashing neon words shine forth, shouting to the world that you are amazing and talented and loved. If you ever doubt that, you just come talk to me! Happy New Years!

Love & hugs, Me

What has helped you recognize your talents? How do you keep from comparing yourself to others?

I Can’t Have Babies

2009-12-29T12:55:00.002-05:00

I suppose I shouldn’t use the word “can’t” because all things are possible in the Lord, right? If a 90-year-old Sariah can conceive and bear a child, then surly the Lord could bless an almost 30-year-old me to do the same. So, at this point, I suppose I should say I “haven’t been able to” have babies.

I had planned so many other things to talk about today, like your awesomeness and talents, goal setting for the New Year, or even a priesthood discussion. But all those will have to wait for another day. Today I feel that I need to share my story.

I married my spouse almost about 8.5 years ago. It will be 9 years in June. At the time I saw my life stretch out before me—marriage to the most wonderful man on the planet (for me… I’m sure your husband is the most wonderful man for you), motherhood, full participation in the gospel and so on. You know… the same fairy tale ending most of us tell ourselves. But mine stopped being fairy tale almost immediately. Though we had chosen to wait a while before starting our family, I had to discontinue birth control almost as soon as I started it. Neither of us could endure the emotional ramifications that birth control provided. Changing brands had me bouncing between white-hot anger (poor husband) and suicidal depression. So, 1.5 months into marriage we called it quits and put our “family plans” into the Lord’s hands. We figured He would provide when He was ready. And if that was sooner, than that was okay.

But it wasn’t sooner. And it wasn’t even later.

After a year of “practicing” without conceiving I began to get worried. After 2 years my heart was breaking. After 3 years I had experienced so many roller coaster emotions I couldn’t even begin to describe the ride to you. Several years later I find that it’s a ride that keeps on giving (if you can call it giving). I think the only difference is that I’ve learned what to expect on the ride.

I’ve endured a vast battery of unpleasant tests, seen more doctors than desired, endured intense physical pain, undergone a few surgeries, and have guinea-pigged too many medications to count. And yet, still, I am childless. The worst part has been trying to explain my situation and defend our personal, intimate choices to a host of strangers.

Dealing with the emotions of infertility is like being pinned to the beach while waves of despair and heartache wash over you. Sometime those waves recede and you feel the sun and you think, “Maybe I’m okay with this. Maybe it will all work out. We’ll find an answer. It will be okay.” And then high tide comes again and the feelings you thought you had mastered overwhelm you and threaten to drown you. Sometimes the emotions are simple waves and other times they are torrential storms of tidal-like proportions. And it doesn’t matter how much you wiggle or fight, you are pinned to this beach and you must ride out the emotions, hoping all the while for a breath of air or for low tide’s return or, miracle of miracles, that you might be released from the shores of infertility and actually conceive.

And then, while you are pinned and wriggling and praying for release, a stranger approaches you and asks,

“Why are you laying on this beach letting waves drown you?” (Oh, because I love the feeling of being drown!)
“Have you tried getting up?” (Of course not! I figured I’d just lay here until the ocean dries up!)
“Are you paying your tithing?” (Why didn’t I think of that? I must have missed the day when they taught that tithing is directly tied to baby making!)
“Are you keeping your covenants?” (Gee, I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me as it seems you have all the answers? But if I’m being punished with infertility as a lack of keeping my covenants, why are 12-year-old girls getting pregnant?)

Or some other invasive and rather insulting question.

It hurts, people! It hurts! Even when I feel okay and resolved to our situation there are moments when I cry unto the Lord, begging to know why the one thing I wanted most—children—has been denied to me. Why, when I have prayed and studied and attended the temple, have I been told time and time again “Not yet. It is not time yet.” Why doesn’t any answer seem right? Why doesn’t anything work out?

After 8 years it still hurts; the pain is still raw. After 8 years I still wonder where I belong in Relief Society. After 8 years I still find myself doubting my worth because God hasn’t blessed us with children. And though I might be better able to endure the ride, it doesn’t make a negative result on a test pregnancy any easier to bear.

I thought you should know. I thought it might help you understand me better.

For those who have never suffered infertility, it’s not a club that is trying to push you out. We just ask that some of you be a little more sensitive to our situation. It’s not a topic that should be approached unless we bring it up first.

For those who have felt the devastation of infertility, know you are not alone. There are others, many others, who intimately understand your pain, your questions, and your heartache. Reach out to them and allow their experiences to help you endure yours. I would also ask you not to judge the more “fertile sisters” among us. They have every right to be excited about their children. They have every right to complain about difficult days and sleepless nights. Even the greatest blessings sometimes have a lead lining. Just as some of the darkest challenges have a silver one.

It’s not us vs. them. Instead, it’s about understanding one another, being sensitive to another’s situation, and, above all, loving each other unconditionally.

My name is Debbie and I can’t [haven’t been able to] have babies. And you know what, that’s okay.

Just to give you a hint… now is not the time to say things like “It’ll all work out. You should pray and read your scriptures. If not in this life, then the next one.” Or any other such piece of advice. Speaking from experience (and regardless of the truth), that drives some of us crazy and doesn't provide much comfort. Appropriate responses for someone with infertility include things like, “I’ll be praying for you. I love you. Thanks for sharing.” Or other like thoughts.

What do you think?

I believe in Christ!

2009-12-24T10:42:00.005-05:00

More complicated times require more simple testimonies. Though the advesary shouts and screams and wails, the Spirit still whispers the simple truths of this gospel. If you cannot hear him now, I hope you will shut out the noise of the world and focus on the still small voice.

I believe and have faith in many of the principles and doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But there are a few things that I know, without a doubt.

God lives! He is our Father and He loves us deeply. Not as the world loves, but with an enduring, all encompassing, celestial love.
He knows as individually, by name! He doesn't just watch us from far away, but is close and involved in our daily lives. He cares if we remember a flashlight for our hike or if we choose a job we love. He cries with us, He laughs with us, and He holds us close when we no longer have the strength to stand.
We have a brother, Jesus Christ, who walked on this earth as the Only Begotten of the Father. He wasn't just a great man or a prophet. He was and is the Son of God! He loves as with the same depth as that of our Father in Heaven.
His atonement is available for all of us! Not just the "good ones" and not just the sinners, but ALL of God's children. We can use it to receive strength during trial or forgiveness when we have sinned. We can repent! We can be forgiven! We can be cleansed and be worthy to receive the same blessings as though our mistake had never happened.
We have each other! Oh sisters, the power of womanhood is yet to be fullfilled! We know that Christ has endured our same trials. We know that He knows intimately our pains and sorrow. And we can turn to Him in our time of need. But let us not forget that our Father also has blessed us with one another--sisters and friends with physical, tangible shoulders to cry on and arms to hold us when we are lost and cannot find the way.

Allow me to reaffirm, once more, that I know God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ, LIVE and love us! I know the Gospel of Christ to be true. I know that heeding our Father's teachings will bring us a happiness and peace the world cannot provide. I know these things. I know them. I leave my testimony with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

If you feel prompted, you are welcome to share your testimony as well. Thank you, in advance, for blessing us with your spirit.

How do you handle adversity when you know you've made the right choice?

2009-12-22T11:43:00.001-05:00

My family recently made a huge decision that took us away from everything we knew and plopped us down in the middle of happiness. (A crazy turn in my life since that rarely seems to happen for me, but true nonetheless.) At the time, the stars and planets aligned--along with the Spirit, of course--and opened the way for us to make "the move." It was one of those events where everything seemed to fall into place. Job offers came through, housing opened up at the last moment, funds that we weren't aware of appeared to pay for the trek across the country, and when we arrived, we discovered new friends that have changed my life. I felt like Halleluiah choruses were singing on high, confirming that we had made the right decision. But, I suppose, it couldn't last forever. I won't say that "reality has set in" because it's not like I was imagining the wonderfulness of our situation (the job is still fantastic, the housing is home now, and the friends still rock the house). What has happened is that some other aspects of life have, shall we say, exploded in my face with more shrapnel than I'd care to admit? And I've found myself doubting the choice my husband and I made. I just don't see a way through our current dilemma. So I turn to you, my sisters.

How do you handle adversity when you know you've made the right choice? How do you keep from seeing each "micro bomb" as a "sign" that maybe you chose the wrong thing? How do I hold onto the confirmation of the Spirit after I've left my knees and entered the facets of daily living?

I know it's a lot to ask of you. But I need you right now and your words of wisdom. Loves & hugs...

Pictures of Womanhood: Radiance

2009-12-19T09:28:00.001-05:00

Dear Eve,

You didn’t know as I sat alone in the back of the room that it was my first time in Relief Society in almost a year. You didn’t know my “issues” or my fears. You had zero information regarding my plight or my personality. How could you? I was new to the ward, the stake and even the state. I think that was the best part for me. I wasn’t some project you were assigned to mentor or assist. You simply saw a new girl, sitting alone, and came over to say hi. And boy did you say hi!

I remember your radiance as you sat down next to me and introduced yourself. I can’t find another word to describe the aura that surrounds you. You have a brilliant light that emanates from your entire being and expands to fill the world around you. Every time I am near you I can see it and feel it. I was (and continue to be) drawn to you, wanting to feel of your warmth and your light. We slid into conversation easily, laughing and chatting as if we had been friends for years rather than seconds. I expected that at any moment you would return to your seat, taking your cheerfulness with you. But you didn’t! You stayed. Oh Eve, if you only knew how much it meant to me that you stayed by my side for my first Relief Society so I wasn’t alone! And not only was I not alone, but I had a wonderful, bright, kind woman by my side helping me to feel like I was a part of the ward and of this particular sisterhood. We chatted and giggled. I felt at ease to be myself. And at the end of the lesson you turned to me and invited me over for dinner. Me! An almost complete stranger. I was tickled to say the least.

I was impressed that your sunshine didn’t even flicker in the face of providing dinner for your husband, six boys and four guests (you were so great to think of inviting another couple over, offering even more opportunities to meet new people)! Again we fell into conversation easily and you expanded your superhuman abilities to include the entire group so that, before long, we were all chatting as if we were lifelong friends. I watched as you handled your children with delight. You were so upbeat and positive (which I know can be difficult when faced with adventuresome boys… I grew up with brothers and saw them test my parents’ patience time and time again)! I could feel the tangible love you have for your husband as you discussed an upcoming assignment that would take him away from home for awhile. But you didn’t complain. You didn’t stop smiling. You continued to glow and radiate joy.

I’ve determined we wouldn’t need superheroes if we had more Eves or if we could bottle up your joy and ship it all over the world!

I now look forward to my Sundays because I can’t wait to see you and partake of your goodness. You rejuvenate me (I know, selfish but true). I can tell when you aren’t around because Relief Society, while still completely amazing, is just a little dimmer when you’re not there. You are a light that shines in darkness with a brilliance that could rival the sun. You dispelled my worries and helped form my ideas of unconditional sisterhood. You love and welcome others without judgment and without price. You are amazing, beautiful, talented and a joy. You are radiant and I am blessed to know you!

3 “Ahas” I learned from watching G4s Ninja Warrior that will help us become stronger LDS Women Warriors.

2009-12-17T11:50:00.009-05:00

OK, so I’m a huge fan of G4’s Ninja Warrior. Joe (hubby) teases me all the time for watching it. He doesn’t understand what I find so fascinating about 100 competitors (mostly men) who attempt to complete a four stage obstacle course; and we’re not just talking tires and hurdles—the course is insane! Passing a stage gives you the privilege of progressing to the next. If you don’t pass, you don’t continue. Thus far in Ninja Warrior history (23 seasons, so 2300 competitors) only two men have completed all four stages. I told you! Insane!

To tell the truth, I’m not so sure what has kept me coming back for more either. I just know I LOVE it. I find myself tensing as each competitor approaches the next challenge. My body moves with theirs as they maneuver the Pole Maze or run towards the Jumping Spider. It’s Mario Kart all over again for me, as if twisting my body will somehow effect what is happening on the screen. I could watch this show for hours! (And I have, which is probably why I’m on a self-implemented TV hiatus).

But as much as I have enjoyed Ninja Warrior, it wasn’t until recently that I discovered that its worth extended far beyond mere entertainment. Somewhere between the Salmon Ladder and Mt. Midoriyama I had an “aha” moment that sent light bulbs flickering and my spirit glowing. Suddenly it wasn’t about the obstacles or the crazy contestants; it was about women tackling their own personal Mt. Midoriyamas and finding growth along the way. The 3 “ahas” I learned from Ninja Warrior that will help us become stronger LDS women warriors are:

1. The course always changes.

It doesn’t matter if it is our Father helping refine us, the adversary pushing to fail us, or ourselves just getting in the way, the truth still remains that the course of life is always changing. My friend Barb puts it this way, “Life is hard, than you figure out stuff and then something else is hard and it starts all over again. That is how we grow, just keep figuring stuff out and keep getting over the stuff that happens in life. Never lie down and give up, keep fighting. That's what enduring to the end is all about.” I love it! Isn’t that how life feels?

And don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by the adversary. He, like the producers of Ninja Warrior are watching and calculating. In the show, anytime too many contestants are passing the first stage the producers change it up for the next season by adding new, more difficult challenges. The same is true of our old frienemy, Satan. Just when we think we have it figured out and feel like we have this stage beat, Satan pulls out a new obstacle or temptation. He knows where we succeeded last time and he knows where we failed, so it is easy for him to target our weaknesses in the hopes of making us stumble.

2. Even the best can fall.

Over the years the Ninja Warrior competition has produced a small group of favored competitors called the All-Stars, who in many people's eyes possess the greatest opportunities to clear all four stages. Many have progressed to stage two, three and sometimes four multiple times, so we expect them to easily clear stage one and yet, some don’t! To the disappointment and dismay of the crowd, sometimes an All-Star goes down in stage one because, despite their abilities and their previous triumphs, it is possible for an All-Star to fall.

This “aha” is both a blessing and a warning. It’s a blessing because it’s a good reminder that perfection does not exist in this life. Part of growth is failure. Our Father understood this and therefore provided for us the atonement. Instead of giving up when we fall, we need to turn to our Savior and allow His atonement to help us regain our balance. Unlike Ninja Warrior, we get a second (and a third and a fourth and an umpteenth) chance in this life! It’s also a warning because we need to remember that we have weaknesses and we need to be wary of the adversary. Overcoming certain challenges in the past does not give us a “get out of jail free” card for the future and, if we are not careful, we can fall victim to temptations or weaknesses we have previously surpassed.

3. Our character is not defined by our success, but by how we act on and off the course.

My absolute favorite part of watching Ninja Warrior is watching the behavior of contestants both on and off the course. (WARNING: Gross generalizations ahead). In America, when a contestant fails there is a show of negative emotion. There is ranting and raging and gnashing of teeth. In Japan, when a warrior falls he simply expresses sorrow. Now, I’m not a fan of the “I’m sorry I let everyone down” thing because I don’t believe they let anyone down, but I do appreciate that instead of showing anger, they express that the course was more difficult than anticipated and they will practice harder so they can overcome the challenge next time. Wow! How different would our experiences of failure be if we accepted that it is hard and that, with assistance and practice, we can do better next time? Personally, I tend to beat myself into the ground with negativity and degrading thoughts when I mess up. I believe I should have been capable of more. I spend a good length of time hating myself before I figure out I can be forgiven and I can improve for next time. Imagine the time and self esteem I would save if I simply acknowledged that life is hard, I fell, and I can do better next time!

Off the course you’ll see the contestants supporting the other competitors. When someone falls, you don’t see the men on the sidelines cheering or doing a little dance. No, they are sorrowful and they express their belief that the fallen warrior will do better next time. They truly seem to desire others to succeed. I think it is because they’ve realized that Ninja Warrior isn’t a competition against others, it’s a competition against oneself. So is life. We aren’t here to beat the person next to us; we are here to overcome ourselves. I won’t progress to be the best Suzie or Erin. I can only progress to be the best me.

Wrap-Up

Women, I think we underestimate our abilities as individuals and as a group. We compare and contrast ourselves against one another. I think some of us (and by “some” I mean me) are a little joyful when a friend messes up because we feel better about ourselves. But in truth, their fall doesn’t help us progress. We don’t get a “last woman standing” award. How much different would Relief Society (and the whole world) be if we actually mourned with those that mourned? If we hurt when our sisters hurt and celebrated when they had moments of joy. If we let go of the need to compare and accepted ourselves and others “as-is.” There is strength in womanhood! So far I believe it to be relatively untapped and unutilized. We could be force more powerful than tsunamis, volcanoes, and war if we shed judgment and united ourselves in love and unconditional sisterhood.

Sisters, we are entrenched in a battle against the adversary and his minions. We are LDS women warriors of the latter-days. We have untapped power and potential to help the Lord in this great work if we will but go forth in faith, understanding that the course will always change, even the best can fall, and our character is not defined by our success but by our actions. He loves us! He wants us to overcome! He has given us the tools and resources necessary to progress into the next stage. Will we answer His call? Many are called, but few are chosen... It's not just Ninja Warrior's tag line.

Do you have an example relating to one of the “ahas?” I’d love to hear from you!

Seriously! I thought “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” was determined to destroy me!

2009-12-15T13:58:00.004-05:00

I was still a teenager when what we call “the family proclamation” came out in the Church. I remember it being a big deal as the First Presidency took an undisputable stand on the family unit and gender issues. At that time it didn’t really mean much to me and I’ll admit I never paid much attention to it. And then I got married.

I was given a framed copy as a gift, which I skimmed over and then hung on the wall. It looked nice there, more like a piece of art rather than a statement on the family. Still, it didn’t bother me and we pretty much ignored each other as I went to and fro with the bustle of life, until about year two or three of marriage when The Family Proc began to eat at me. I would assume it was about the same time I discovered that the having of children would require more than just “practice.” As my barrenness continued, The Family Proc became less of an ignored acquaintance and more like an enemy. It seemed to radiate judgment, reminding me that I wasn’t fulfilling my role of mother. I seemed to hear it say, “You’re broken. You’re not good enough. You don’t have the perfect family.” Eventually it came off the wall (due to several moves) and just never went back up.

At this point you probably realize that I am slightly crazy. Whose pictures actually talk to them, right? Well, though framed artwork doesn’t necessarily speak via voice, it was the internal dialogue and personal judgment that I was hearing inside. I didn’t need anyone else in the world to criticize me because I was doing that all on my own. I was judge, jury and executioner in regards to my fertility issues (and pretty much any other weakness I had).

I don’t stretch the truth when I say my framed copy of The Family Proc has been hidden away for years, so imagine my horror when I entered Gospel Doctrine this week only to discover it was the focus of our lesson! Was it too late to run? I tensed, waiting for the onslaught of reasons why I wasn’t good enough and why I could never be the “ideal” woman. I had my trigger hand ready to shoot into the air the moment anyone expressed judgment for those in “my condition.” To my surprise, I never had to use it.

Instead we had a wonderful conversation about not only the family, but how the proclamation can speak to and strengthen each of us individually. Suddenly, my old enemy took on a new voice. It seemed to say, “In whatever stage of life you reside, do your best to follow the principles taught.” It was a Tony Horton moment of "Do your best and foret the rest!" Single? Be chaste, live worthily, follow the principles of Christ as you love and assist those around you. Married no kids? Be true to one another, support each other, live worthily, follow the principles of Christ as you love and assist each other and those around you, and make choices consistent with having future children, even if they never come. Married with kids? Be true to one another, support each other, live worthily, follow the principles of Christ as you love and assist your family and those around you, make choices that reflect your love for Heavenly Father and for His children, and fulfill your roles to the best of your abilities. Have a different situation? Adapt the principles taught to your particular circumstance and need. Don’t feel less worthy or any type of failure just because yours is not a nuclear family unit. When you yoke yourself to the Lord, He will help bear the burdens of your situation. (I’ll attach a paragraph by paragraph detail with comments for those who are interested.)

I don’t know if any of the above made sense (sometimes it sounds so much better in my head), I just hope you walk away knowing that whatever your circumstance, you are valued and supported in the gospel. The Family: A Proclamation to the World is not a document put forth to judge us or make us feel like failures. Instead, it is a document of hope, and a testimony that as we follow the principles of Christ, whatever our situation may be, we will be blessed with happiness and fulfillment. I am SO very grateful for the insight I received on Sunday. Grateful that my fears have been put to rest regarding my divine role when unable to have children. I am grateful for a Father who knows me and loves me (despite myself). I testify that He knows and love you too! He understands your situation, your heartache, and your questions. When you are ready, He will provide the answers you seek.

I love you, so very much. It doesn’t matter if we have met or not. You are my sister and my friend. I hurt with you and cry with you and definitely feel joy when you do. I desire so much for you to feel my love and for you to know, that despite anything that has happened or may happen, you have at least one fan in this world rooting for you and cheering you on.

I love you. The Lord loves you. And, someday, we’ll all pull through this together! Loves and hugs… Deb

What do you think?

Pictures of Womanhood: Strength

2009-12-12T11:10:00.003-05:00

Dear Katie,

I don’t remember much about the first time we met. I know it was my first day as a young woman in your ward. I was a Mia Maid and you were a Laurel. I don’t remember words exchanged, lessons taught, or particular circumstances, but what was seared into my memory was the impression of strength you exuded in everything you said and did. I was intimidated by you but still drawn to you like a moth to flame. You seemed to be everything I wasn’t—confident, unapologetic for your individuality or your circumstances, and unafraid to be yourself.
You expressed yourself without hesitation and were willing to ask the questions the rest of us had but were too afraid to voice. You challenged your leaders as you sought for truth and I loved that about you! You made us all double check our references and, in doing so, you strengthened my testimony. Thank you for teaching me it is possible to be myself and still be a valued member of the Church.

As our friendship continued to grow my first impression was solidified even further. Everything you did was handled with the strength and finesse of an adult three times your age. We experienced similar circumstances, but while I shuddered in fear and carried my burden with complaint, you boldly pushed forward without hesitation. I won’t go into the details of family crisis and personal trials you shouldered during your youth and into adulthood because they are yours to share, but know that I was watching and that your example inspired me and continues to inspire me today. I am surprised you weren’t born for the age of pioneers! They could have used a woman like you! Though I suppose a strength such as yours is more needed the world we have today.

Now you are a mother—a wonderful, strong, bold mother. You celebrate every moment with your son, even his naughty moments because you know they are a time for teaching and learning. Even your marriage exudes strength! Yours is a partnership, both sides equal and also complimentary of the other. I love it! And I love to be around you both because of your example. You lead your home the same way you have led your life, with confidence and without apology for the choices you make. While you tend to your family you still make time develop your talents and advance your knowledge. You are a natural leader and others turn to you for advice. Some of us look to you for a reminder that everything is going to be okay. Your strength becomes our life preserver when we get tossed around in the storms of life, and I thank you for saving me on more than one occasion.

Katie, you are so many things and have so many wonderful qualities and talents. Strength isn’t your only shining characteristic, but it is the one that comes to mind most whenever I think of you. Over a decade ago you saved an introverted Mia Maid from self loathing and fear. You continue to save her each day through your friendship, support and love. Thank you for being my strength when I had none. Thank you for being my lifeline when I thought all was lost. Thank you for being my cheerleader when I thought about quitting. I appreciate you and your example. I appreciate they way you’ve impacted my life. But, most of all, I appreciate and love you for who you are and for who you remind me to be. You are strength, Katie, and I love you!

Who has been an example of strength in your life?

What the heck does the RS cookie-cutter look like, because it sure isn’t what I thought?!

2009-12-10T16:40:00.005-05:00

Some interesting comments came out of "WARNING: Ring with Issues" regarding “the mold” in Relief Society that I mention. I was surprised (in a good way) by the feedback of married women with children who also expressed feelings of not belonging; I always assumed married-with-children gave you instant acceptance into the RS. So, I’ve been thinking about their remarks (and the remarks of others) for days and the question won’t leave me alone, “What the heck does the RS cookie-cutter look like, because it sure isn’t what I thought?!”

I feel so strongly that before we can break down the walls that hinder our sense of belonging, we need to know what, specifically, we are judging ourselves against.

So, I think we first need to ask ourselves, “What does ‘the mold’ look like or feel like to me personally?” When I say “cookie-cutter” or “mold” or “ideal,” what do you picture in your mind? What do you feel? Who am I talking about (no names, please!)? What characteristics or life circumstance would the ideal Relief Society woman have?

I’ll get the ball rolling. For me, the “cookie-cutter” RS woman is married with children. If you don’t have a husband or kids, it’s a no-go for fitting in with the RS crowd. I see this woman as soft, gentle, kind and quiet. She agrees with the priesthood without hesitation and responds to any request without complaint. She isn’t perfect (because no one can be) but she strives for perfection in her life—everything must fit into the other “ideals” that are scattered throughout our Mormon culture. She’ll be nice to me, but I can see the disappointment or judgment in her eyes when she discovers I don’t have children but do work outside the home. She is sheltered. She’s probably never gone without food or had to endure the abuse of a parent, spouse or stranger. Therefore, her view of life is in absolutes—black and white without any gray. Sex is probably a dirty word and any one talking about it willy-nilly should probably talk to his or her bishop. I don’t think she means to make others feel outcast or “less than,” it’s simply a byproduct of her view of life and the people around her. I feel a bit suffocated when she’s around because I am always afraid that if I am myself, she will judge me and pass that judgment onto others. I can’t relate to her because we don’t have anything in common; she wants to talk kids and I want to talk life.

Our existence in the same group can be summed up in a word—awkward. And in that awkwardness I assume that because she is fulfilling her role of mother and I am not, she is in and I am out.

You’re turn. What does the “ideal” or “the mold” look/feel like to you? What about Relief Society makes you want to run away?

P.S. Please don't be hurt if you have any of the qualities listed above! I am not bashing any of those characteristics; I simply listed those because they are the opposite of my personality/experience so I tend to compare myself against them. Relief Society needs all types of women, not just the soft ones or the hard ones or the ones in between. This exercise is merely for the sake of defining the ideal we are trying to compare ourselves against. I think the surprise will come from seeing everyone's version of "ideal."

WARNING: Ring with Issues

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When I first became engaged I was working for Delta Airlines. It was common for women sales reps, after receiving a ring, to parade it around the office like some kind of trophy. (We are talking college girls in Utah, so it’s to be expected). I remember receiving my ring and worrying about going to work. I didn’t want to parade it, not because I found the practice completely inappropriate (I was just as caught up in the practice as the rest of them), but because I knew my simple, tiny ring wouldn’t stand up against the rings I had been seeing. I was embarrassed. At some point I even confided this in my fiancé/husband (I don’t remember if I told him before or after we were married. I’ll assume after because he showed up on our wedding day). Heartbroken, he looked and me and said, “I picked it out because it’s simple, just like me.” And I turned to him and said, “So I should have gotten you something more complicated with an engraving that read, ‘ring with issues.’” Yes, I was cruel, but somehow the man still loves me.

Sometimes we are embarrassed about our personal trials because they don’t look like everyone else’s. We don’t want to show up to Relief Society only to be reminded why we don’t fit in. I think many will agree that Relief Society, though meant for all women, has a tendency to be geared toward married women with children. In recent years they have strived to include single women. I know the intent of the RS is pure and good. But that doesn’t change the fact that some of us just don’t feel like we belong.

I can’t have children. Maybe I should say I haven’t been successful in the kids department thus far—eight plus years of trying and visiting doctors and still nothing. I also have had to seek professional counseling for mental health issues related to childhood abuse and then post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as an adult. I have watched my mother struggle as a divorcee and have cried with friends who were molested as children. And I have sat in Relief Society wondering, where do I—where do we—fit? I know it’s not in the perceived cookie-cutter mold where everything can be fixed with scripture study and prayer; so where does that leave us? Where do we belong?

(Side note: Before you start writing an angry, unpleasant comment; please understand that I am NOT bashing scripture study or prayer. They are both an intrinsic part of the human experience. What I am saying is that some issues require resources in addition to normal scriptures and daily prayer. Okay, you may proceed with angry comment.)

The truth is you belong here! In the Church and in the Gospel! (I know, pretty anti-climatic, huh?) I spent years thinking I must be missing something, that there must be some magic object that, if I found it, would take away all the stuff that makes me weird and would allow me to finally feel comfortable in Relief Society. And after years of searching, I realized that nothing would ever take away my weirdness or my differences. I learned that the trials, experiences, and uniqueness made me who I am and they didn’t need to be changed. I didn’t need to be changed. I just needed to know that there were other women somewhere in the world like me. Finding and knowing those women gave me purpose.

I invite you accept that being a “ring with issues” is okay and normal! You are absolutely a beautiful, wonderful, amazing daughter of God. Our issues may not be listed in the manual or the handbook… they may send other sisters running to the hills… but that doesn’t mean there is something innately wrong with us. And it doesn’t mean we can’t belong.

The Lord “maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust” (Matt. 5:45). I love this scripture because it speaks to the Lord’s love for all His children, not just evil and good, but also man and woman, adult and child, Suzy Homemaker and Sally Career Girl. He cares for His daughters who are homemakers, canners and child bearers just as He cares for his daughters who are workers, are single or feel outcast. We are the same in His eyes. We are the same in His gospel. We are the same in His organization for women. (It’s not even an “us vs. them” scenario at all!)

He gives us this promise in D&C 6:20,

“…I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.”

I hope you feel His love as you visit Cheer & Bless. I hope you find solace in knowing you are not alone. You are not abnormal or weird. And you certainly are NOT broken! Instead, you are simply a sister who has broken the mold.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your insight!

About

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Welcome
As daugthers of God, we are all the same in His eyes. We are the same in His gospel and in His organization for women.

Cheer & Bless was created to help heal the soul through unconditional sisterhood. Many of us are hurting, but we don't have to do it alone. This community does not exist to criticize, but to love and bless as we share our experiences and our hearts with each other.

A Little Bit About Everything

Relief Society is a lot like a Shape-O ball. You remember playing with one, right? It’s the dual colored ball with 10 holes of varying shapes, and 10 little yellow pieces that match. The idea was to get all the pieces inside without opening the middle, though I’ll confess that as a young child I would sometimes cheat! Well, that’s how I see Relief Society. The organization is meant to be a gathering place for women of various shapes—a place where we can hang out together, enjoying our similarities and celebrating our differences. Yet many of us feel that we don't fit the few "pre-defined molds."

Over the years I’ve discovered that I’m less like a little yellow piece and more like the wooden block that somehow got stashed with the Shape-O ball. No matter how hard I try, no matter which way I turn or twist, I will never fit through the silly mold. So I’ve decided to change the rules and cheat once more! Through Cheer & Bless we will work together to stretch the RS norm in order to include all the toys in the toy box, not just the “matching” ones.

Some of us have been affected by life circumstances that leave us wondering who we are and where we belong. Our experiences encompass such things as (but not limited to) working outside the home, the single life, infertility, divorce, abuse, trauma, mental health issues, counseling and the dreaded S-E-X. We attend Relief Society hoping for inclusion but instead find awkwardness, misunderstandings and, in some cases, downright meanness.

Sometimes we feel like there is no one else in the world that can relate to our situation. I know I have, but as I opened up to trusted friends and family, I realized I wasn’t alone! Others, many others, were also experiencing and questioning my exact dilemmas. What a relief!!! I was NORMAL! They were normal. The joy I felt in finding others like myself was unbelievable. And while it didn’t take away the heartache of the situation, it definitely eased the burden of carrying it alone. If only I had discovered this truth years ago, what a difference that would have made!

As you travel the pages of Cheer & Bless, I hope that you will find solace and comfort. Relief Society was instituted by our Heavenly Father for all His daughters with all their many circumstances and trials. It is meant to comfort, to support, and to spread charity. It is meant to be inclusive.

I hope you will feel that inclusion here as you meet others in your like situation. I hope the articles and stories presented will assist you on your journey of progression. And I hope that you will be ambassadors in your own wards for yourself and for other women like you. You may be surprised to discover that the sister across the aisle is sharing your feelings but is too afraid to speak up or to add to the conversation.

Just remember that we are all doing the best we know how. Part of this life is allowing others to serve in their callings to the best of their ability and allowing the Lord to judge their attempts. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt.

So share, vent, exclaim. You are human, be human. But at the end of the day, it is by finding the Lord’s light in darkness that we progress, not by tearing the other girl’s face off. At Cheer & Bless (and in our wards)let's strive to spread hope and acceptance instead of criticism and judgement.